made-in-akira/miscellaneous/diary bites 4

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2022-09-14 17:51:15 +00:00
july 11
writing on the 12th (wow!!!!)
yesterday i slept at 4, today was at 3:30. still sucks, just a little less
i woke up at like...10. i tried to continue that newspaper idea for violet meadow, but i ended up keeping myself busy today...mostly helping nami with The photo, which is kind of bothering mom lately because. yeah!! i could legitimately get into trouble for this. the chances are tiny, but...they are there, and i don't want to upset mom in general,
in between i did my duolingo, and later into the night i watched sonic speed reading from the game apologist!! wow, the comics are actuallly really good?
i got an idea for a transfem sonic variant (!!!) i told psdx about it and they showed me a script they made on ao3 for an alternate history sonic chronology (particularly sonic 1) mixing and matching existing srb2 mods to make it playable!!
july 12
feeling kinda bad
today in general sucked a little. i've been feeling pretty tired the whole day and my throat hurts, i get stomach aches from nearly everything
i think it's just the air being too dry...? it has indeed not rained in A LONG TIME
i didn't really try to resume the newspaper idea! i think i don't have enough motivation, idk why!! i have good headlines, the verbose words to give them briefings. i guess it doesn't feel like it's really mine, knowing i'm copying the layout, which...is really hard at a small size! i don't have everything planned out so i just get stuck thinking about the first story
i put mossbag and rain world ost on in the background, i really wanna pirate rain world's ost now!! especially because i can't buy it anywhere but itunes?? no bandcamp??????????
i would've, but...i got side tracked starting a port of mania amy to s3air. and i referenced porn for the colors because I decided on a whim to do dark skinned amy. FUck
i didn't even meditate that much, i haven't been in the right...literally weather (which i think influences headspace (not wild internal worlds!! Fuck)) to sit down and think about it
think that's the reason i have been delaying duolingo to. um. 23:41!! all day and it sucks
oh yeah i got my nails done! feeels nice after like 2 weeks
behhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i can't wait for tomorrow
oh, wow it's already the 11th?
oh yeah i also ate mini pizza from the airfryer
july 13
i noticed, i feel like i'm getting a bit too selfish, especially after going on a rant about rich people after looking at memphis design
maybey i shouldn't write down everything i ever think about to therapy drafts
feels like it makes pondering less effective to explore every avenue for thought immediately without really thinking about whether it would go anywhere
i did even less than usual today - i didn't help nami out, i barely talked to anyone
i visited a jitsi and played around with friends but that was it, the rest was doing an improvement to the amy mod for sonic 3 i was bothered didn't use the mania mod's sprites (and doing it badly!!)
july 14th
oh, GOD i feel awful. i had literally the whole day to do Anything but i just sat around feeling empty and disenergized
i didn't even talk to nami, i didn't expand on my ideas in my therapy draft file like i wanted to yesterday
i barely remember deciding what to do for myself?? feels like i've been on autopilot for most of the time i was awake
i don't know that the i can blame my medication on this, should i find more things to do than explore the internet? it sure feels like it'd break up what's been routine for... years, now........ but there is Nothing to do around here!!
july 15th
i put writing for this day off for...almost 2 days.
today, i talked to ana! it was...really, really nice having any stimuli not just phase me
yeah, we talked about my addiction; how my anxiety medication might've been backfiring
i went over to uncle's too but i really wish i talked more to him! kept talking to ana from 17:00 to like, literally 18:00 (first time i've been there since like, last week for his bday, i had the chance to do brain age and i should've taken it)
i took awfully long to do my duolingo and forgot to do some of the stuff i said i'd do (make a drawing for jill and agatha, send my art to ana)
i actually did make one drawing though!! and a big one i'm really proud of - no outlines, scene of The violet meadow at night with for some reason looks to the moon and amelia shooting agatha to the moon ("boups to the moon")
july 15th
woke up and took a bath!! even washed my hair and face, airdryed meself
hey! today sucked a little but i think i'm getting....anecdotal evidence that maybe my dose of Assert® is too high (50mg, i'm guessing per pill)
i DIDN'T take my medication and i felt...not a lot, i'm guessing because i already had took it for so long but still better!!!!!!!!!
(mom said for me to take it tomorrow. i will!! would prove that this wasn't just sheer luck too - i suspected it but even if it is i should still not just immediately pivot to not taking it, since i was like...nearly blowing up and dying before i started taking it)
oh, right, the rest of the day
i mostly watched youtube but i was really active on fedi and i drew something for jill! one of it's ocs, jillo! (trauma dumped about slimes but idk i'd feel ingenuine not to mention it (but maybe that's kind of dumb))
i watched more of that ls mark video where he covers EVERY spongebob episode, i played little a sonic the hedgehog 1
watched jimmy mcgee (guy who talked about rain world) talk teleglitch and cruelty squad (not the movie! the really ugly arcane kids looking dystopia nnightmare game) and a new leadhead video about addiction and decided, fuck it, i'll copy her
it's kind of fucking ridiculous i have to debate with myself to pretend to put up a fight when i get the urge to watch porn, seemingly completely forgetting how fucking awful it is for me
it probably won't be as effective, being a psyche problem to a material item, but i'm gonna try getting myself to just aggressively dinkwater when i think about it!
hypothesized on some drawing ideas and did duolingo near midnight :0
i'm fucken hungy. but i'm too sleepy
gooooooosh i wish i could make food for myself, even if it was just sandwiches
(thinking abt that one scene from ? where the guy throws a pillow on the floor if he doesn't want to forget something but hasn't the energy to write it down)
oh a!! nami gave up on the photo edit but she asked her sister in law for help