510 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
510 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
august 2
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stressful
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-overconfident, cried a lot in school
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-talked to mom about how bad I felt abt my porn addiction even after getting out of it. we talked a lot, and i feel bad for not remembering everything
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what i got from it is that it's not over until you can forgive yourself, but don't do a behaviourism to try to figure out why you can't - the brain assigns meaning to things far more arbitrarily and less logically than i think
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-did a lot of Duolingo classes!
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-mom tried to teach me to do a ribbon for my shoes, becuase i felt bad i missed p.e. class for not being able to put them on. it went really badly but we plan to try again tomorrow
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i ate integral rice for i think the first time, with chicken wings!
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august 3
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-better! went to school and was just literally OK. classes were light but that was OK!
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-had some ideas, drew some memes
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-Regis sang today! recorded and will turn it into an album someday
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-drew some stuff felt not that mushy (god akira kills changed, 3 color skylines)
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did not try to learn how to tie shoelaces again :(
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suzana was so tired...
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tried Really hard to help Amelia, I hope i can do some good!! (from what i can tell, no that did absolutely fucking nothing tangible)
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august 4
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saw cats from our neighbourhood fighting after breakfast :( and a huge crow next to the mini-roundabout? in the route i take to school
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classes were really not that stressful, thankfully :D I got a bit overwhelmed in math but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as tuesday
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getting home i was comfy in bed but still painfully sleepy... I did a few memes but not any of the ideas I had for drawings!
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i saw porn adjacent furry art at night :(
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feel like I'm gonna need support from ana for this,
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aug. 5th
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hey! hello! today is friday and that stresses me out a bit
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i haven't gotten fully through all my shit, which would be fine if i didn't have to, from monday (8) on juggle hydrogymnastics, processing my problems, being stable at school and studying
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ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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worst part, i kind of allowed myself to stagnate when ana talked to me about how she was gonna find a psychiatrist to do an examination on me to see if i have learning impairments
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i was totally not in the wrong headspace to think about it either!!
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and no, i'm not fine letting this go! i'm fucking pissed and there's not much i can do to alleviate that now that it's already the end of the day (6)
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ugh, what did i actually do today even?
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i went to school, where classes were mostly chill. we had physics, biology?, 2x english and math. ended at 11:30 because suzana's changing the time we do exams to fri 11:30 instead of thu 07:00. i'm kind of worried i'd forget fucking everything but maybe this'll help actually??????? i don't know
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getting home...i didn't do much...
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i remember working on that pixels graphic design idea!! and mom going out for an experimental workout session with someone hwo does swimming and stuff
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i watched phisnom complete the stanley parable, i started playing brain age concentration training!! surprisingly easy to set up. just needed virtualbox though for a bat to decrypt the .cia files so citra could use them
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aug. 6th
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hello. today was worse :(
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i woke up at like, 11. apparently eduardo came while i wasn't awake. i woke up at 6 to take a piss and i wish i put an alarm for 8 am or something, i'm never happy when i sleep this long
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the rest of the day...ugh the rest of the day
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i just kind of gourged myself on rain world content slowly chipping away at a graphic design project jill recommended me to do which i'm sad to say took way more out of me than it should!! i think i've officially had it up to here with rain world and won't be engaging a lot more with it
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i felt EXTREMELY stressed during the evening, i efel like i don't even do stuff because i want to but because if i don't it'll make me even more stressed out and that's kind of ridiculous. i do not want to let myself keep going this way, even if just for like... a week where i really badly have to keep my grades up because i wouldn't let myself violate my ideology of never stagnating unless it meant someone else fucking dying
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speaking of which??? amelia is still depressed as shit and i'm increasingly desperate to help :(
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i think after writing this i'm gonna. go. do some duolingo and brain age
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E: i fucking sucked at brain age
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mom told me to not take it too hard, that this kinda stuff doesn't measure anyone's inteligence
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it's fine if i take a while to do addition/subtraction, i'm barely 14
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i appreciate it a lot....
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i listened to some pbs videos, put on rain sounds and went to sleep
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felt a lot better
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aug 7
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hey....today still sucked
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i worked a ton on stuff for jill's slugcat_tweets account! a windows phone home menu and twitter timeline
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and it even added me to the team to let me post stuff on the acc (specifically said it really likes to see what i'd come up with,,,,,)
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i worked on that pixels desktop app mockup too! felt really nice to dust off the edges, make it nice and consistent
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but i continue to feel...kind of bad, idunno
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like i didn't really do all that much today
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oh........ more things happened i'm sure of it
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i just don't rememner and that makes me feel really sad :(
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aug 8
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today was baaaaaaaaaaad
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hhhhhhhhh
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i went to school, being a little unsure. but i got barely 3 classes in before i just started to feel really REALLY sick
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i at least counteracted it by studying a lot as soon as i came home!! i asked suely about the stuff i missed after trying to do the textbook activities too,,
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i made a tooooooooooon of rain world memes, like 10 total
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i checked out stuff in millie's server too, clover? (previously winter_weeg) was posting abt some really weird barney creepypasta stuff! and they showed off their own take on it!! i don't think i could see the appeal but like. this seems really erally cool!!
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but i still feel bad. empty, tired
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i stayed in bed but i kept feeling kind of bad
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even after eating pizza i eventually napped, before i full on slept
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aug 9
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today, i feel like....i'm gonna be ok
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the same thing happened at school, i came in but felt so disoriented i needed to go home
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but i think i found out what it was after talking to mom a bit in the car
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labyrinthitis, the thing where the part of your ear that senses velocity is inflamed and fucked up
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you know, the thing mom and grandma take meds for?? yeah wild!!
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apparently not that weird for kids to have it though! allegedly hard in fact to see someone WITHOUT it in some form
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i came home and was...really really cold! it's been raining since yesterday (yayyy!!!!) but that means there's not as much sun and....yknow
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i got under the blankets but mom told me to take a bath, i hesitated a bit but went for it and it made me feel a lot better!
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i lounged around, watching rain world videos until....i decided i was sick and tired of being useless! and studied a bit! i did chemistry, biology and portuguese today! yesterday i did just math and geography,
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also finally putting this stuff in obsidian again! feels really nice
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but then, i started feeling really really really bad
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i felt like i was gonna pass out and die
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i told mom , and we planned to go to the hospital but ended up going to see a guy called Dr. Limone!! he was really fucking good, i had a bit of frustration specifying that...no, i really don't think i can disengage that much from my computer!!!! but he was really helpful, he tried to cheer me on and[1]
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[1]
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oh that reminds me, i had some weird dream where i was in like a dark crimson/brown city with poisonous plants and i was with family? violet meadow friends? a new friend group? chasing after a cyan rain world lizard behaving like...a real lizard when i just ran into like...people. a person. i can't remmber what we did, but they had like...Adult Vibes
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august 10
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mm. i don't remember what happened today very well.
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so...main event was that, i studied! pretty hard! it felt pretty nice to get everything done with. even though i rushed a little, i still think i understood most stuff well
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i nerded out abt desktop effects in violet meadow, i drew something for a game idea amelia's having! (an evolution survival game inspired by rain world!)
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i checked out some fonts on google fonts...i don't remember why!
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i watched some chubbyemu videos, i rediscoverred Dismiss Yourself!! a music label that....feels too mature for me!! like genuinely the people there have Show Us What You're Made Of vibes
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i got into a smidge of fedi drama and felt a bit bad (thatonecalculator sucks), i checked out cohost again!! (centralized but cute with really good vibes social media, i wanna join but 16+)
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OH my god yeah there was a new splatoon 3 direct!!!
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it was so good. i'm so excited for this game!! sadly some scenes looked really really unfinished, and the fucking locker room!! is really sad!! we could've gotten apartments!! but the world finally feels more lived in!
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oh yeahhhhhh and mom was sorting out old books at the time, searching for the deed to her car
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she showed me old books from her time at college, she showed me my old books
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lovely stuff
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(the world is big and i really wish i turned less of a blind eye to it!! sad i just could not stop thinking about other stuff while i was there)
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august 11
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still don't remember... :(
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i went to sleep at a reasonable time yesterday, because i was feeling better
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it sucked still. i couldn't handle math class and ended up going back home for a little while, and agreeing with mom to stay home tomorrow too
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the feeling of getting home, not exactly done with my business but with some work already done....it was strange, if only because it was 2 hours until the exam, it was the first time in a while i felt... i don't know what it was, but i'm yearning for it now
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i went back to actually do the exam at 11:30 after looking at a few of my notes.
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it went well!! there were a few questions i didn't know, but...i guess i can chalk them up to being a bit lazy on monday because i wans't sure yet if i was gonnna do the exam on friday or thursday
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getting home i checked out some windows logos at logopedia, talked a lot in millie's server and made like 4 memes just for the place
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i finally posted to annie and ppl on violet meadow that !!!! one of the characters in splatoon is just like them (annie)
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and it looks like i capped off the night watching vargskelethor joel highlights for hypnospace, before making a rain world meme
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august 12
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hi. today sucked. actively so.
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i hate comfort and giving myself the permission to rest
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because like downtime such as the one i had today, i don't feel like i'm resting. i feel like i'm just trying to get the most stimulation out of the time i have
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which i GUESS isn't necessarily bad??? but like...i wish i was as active as i was yesterday. what can i do to keep my brain active in the morning so i don't end up rotting away from 14:00 to midnight if not school?
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especially because, i feel like it'd give me more energy to be at school and do stuff
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oh! yeah i found some morecool music stuff when i was looking at dismiss yourself!! i have it pinned to firefox because i wanna get to my next downloading spree in the next 7 days instead of 7...years
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i woke up and was hungry for a while, because mom was out for....actually most of the day! she went out like 3 separate times
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first thing i did was like...3 rain world memes in a row. it was fun! i got some advice (include context _in_ the image if it's just like, a photograph) which i appreciated
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i tried to debug some virtual machine stuff for millie but it just is not working out. like the minimum ram in my experience to make windows 7 run well is way more than what she can do :(
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i took a bath at some point!! (17:00) watched stray while i was in the shower
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i really just kind of...dozed off from 13:00 to 18:00
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why does my brain do that
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i hate me
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while i was eating dinner (supermarket hot dogs!!), mom and grandma came in!! (mom for the 2nd time)
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and i finally found out what suace they use. citing them as sources it's kethcup-mustard-mayo mix and tomato sauce
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but they did have to go do some stuff outside and only uncle would stay there
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so they took me to uncle's!! with...a 2/3rds finished meal!!
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i still ate it up and put the plate on the sink but i just find it really funny that grandma just took it raw since our houses are right next to eachother
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then...i came home at nearly 19:30... and now i'm here at ~23:00
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that sucked.
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i did like, 2 things: listen to more rain world music and do a design prototype very slowly
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i hate me. why does this always happen?
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i often find myself sleeping really late, and i'm guessing this is the cause
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i do revenge bedtime procrastination because i feel like as soon as i go to sleep i'll be extremely useless the next day
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sooooooooooooooooooooooo
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i have a new topic to talk to ana about!
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OH MY GOD I DIDN'T EVEN CHECK WHATSAPP TODAY
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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
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also i haven't even Touched duolingo or fatsecret in several days and that upsets me :(
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i just kind of dropped off and never picked up the hobbies again and it scares me
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i don't want to be any more useless than this :(((((
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august 13
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today was just...slow
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i looked at sonic mods, i tried to work on a new graphic design project (sanctuaryos but windows 11 graphics!!)
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mill's server had a ton of drama tonight :[ i decided to redownload the fucking. message logger in advance
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remember eating some good food today though,
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august 14
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heyyy :(
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what better day to have a full relapse than sunday
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of course i do. of coooooooooouuuuuurse i do
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i ended up doing an...awful, awful, awful lot of art for mainmemory
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it took up most my day
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i got quiet and dehydrated, sweaty and hungry
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something about indulging mm and opening up about. my weirdest fantasies
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i...really wish i didn't want that
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this is gonna be a long one, i feel like there's something i don't get anywhere else there
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i don't want to admit it, but i don't think that's good
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august 15
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jesus, it took me that long?
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it's august 22 now
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i guess....god, i don't remember what happened today :(
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i think i actually stayed the full length of class! but
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through my head only fear passes
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i haven't thought about fucking anything but porn and the relatively easy stuff at school these days
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august 16
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hey...!
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i remember today, i went to the supermarket with mom and grnadma after i went to school, i took some pictures and shared with my friends!
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i think i actually stayed the full length of class! and...it was the same
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paying attention at classes, getting praise for making it,
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secretly i'm dying inside
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i hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE to draw the comparison: i guess my smile's closer to being printed on now than ever
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because guess who's still making nsfw art
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a relapse. porn. i gathered the courage to talk to mainmemory and fantasized over many fetishes
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august 17
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today...was relatively uneventful. i studied more! i think i'm feeling confident about doing the exam tomorrow
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also found out around this time that we gotta buy the book for the book exam :/
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another relapse. more sonic porn
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august 18
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today... wednesday.
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the same thing happened as last week
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i...felt too physically bad to stay at school for the whole day. i took a peek at my notes, and i felt confident, and then fucking...i got there and there were 3 different subjects i didn't remember anything about
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another relapse. more porn
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i'm scared. i don't wanna die
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august 19
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i ended up staying home today, like mom offered to me yesterday
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i woke up
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i almost avoided relapsing
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i watched a zombie movie with my friends, shaun of the dead
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i drew myself angry
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i talked to ana. i got so so so so so frustrated
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i was so close to a revelation and then the thoughts just...fizzled away
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like water slipping out of my hands
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another relapse. more porn
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i'm terrified
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i don't wanna die
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can see the signs
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want off this ride
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august 20
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early in the morning i for the first time in what feels like forever, i felt like i'd escaped
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i climaxed after being stuck in parasite infection [game] hell for a while
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i took a bath, i played some nice music for me
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but... i had another relapse. i watched more porn.
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help.
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the main thing i remember from today...
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is, playing jackbox with amelia and the ppl at violet meadow
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it was fun, but, i couldn't enjoy it very much
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a few sex jokes came in and
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amelia talked to me
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i asked if i could vent for a bit
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i went on a big desperate ramble that took a lot out of me
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in it's entirety...
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oh, no, i don't think i should put that in the file i'm writing all of these in. it won't fit.
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but my pain didn't end
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another relapse. more porn
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i feel acutely like i could make it if i just...didn't want to keep coming back
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if i just exhausted all of the fantasies i can make into pixel art
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but no, i'd find more.
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i wouldn't make progress in my skills with art
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i think...i have some ideas but i don't think i'm in the right mood to do them yet
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august 21
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screaming wav
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hi! today i didn't fucking do anything BUT porn art
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i feel terrible
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eduardo came home yesterday and he did it again today, i had to sleep in my room and i woke up the next day really tired
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i'm...making a vow
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if i still love anything, i'm going to be proving it
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i refues to relapse again, even if it's for just one day
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august 22
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and...i got what i wanted!
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today i managed to avoid porn like i wanted! i had to fight like hell for it but it felt...really liberating
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and a bit scary, i completely forgot what it was like to have free time and not use it on porn
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i ended up staying home today, much to my dismay (i wanted to read the book with Régis! i wanted to catch a recap with suely on the exam's stuff esp since i lost her classes on friday, but i can sacrifice that i guess for the sake of my overall stability)
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i didnt have the energy to study that much - only did 1 of 7
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but...i think it was worth it
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august 23
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i went to school, and it was mostly fine. i got through classes in a flash, but i did feel really tired and i really felt the lack of portuguese / math
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but that's like nothing compared to what came later!
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i had to go to swimming class, and although i was excited, i got really Really REALLY overwhelmed when i had to go under the surface
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i. i almost tried to fucking drown myself
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but when that got even more overwhelming than talking to the teacher, i let slip that. i really really don't have normal child problems
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i ended up in a corner crying by the end of class, which i actually wish was longer!!
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i. i'm writing this on the 25th and i really wish i didn't forget that much what it felt like to be this powerless
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this. afraid that i'm never going to be okay again
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i talked about it to mill when i got home, we gave eachother kind-of-therapy i guess! but it was genuinely nice
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august 24
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i studied for the exam, i was less nervous today, i'm still scared i think tomorrow's when i need to do the exam and i don't feel like i've studied enough. it was pretty surreal to have this much free time today though (i only had history to study because i actually still remembered most of the other subjects' content)
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august 25th
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i did the exam today! and, it went well but i fear in part that was because i got to look at my notes SEVERAL times before the exam
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i wish i realized earlier that when i'm confident, i stop paying attention and prime myself for a rough next week. i get painfully self absorbed and it never goes well. ever. but when i'm thrashing myself for incompetence i get really cynical and the whiplash is starting to get so ridiculous even i notice it
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i really wish i was better at understanding when i'm doing OKAY at something and not really well or really badly
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swimming went really well and mom did the monthly purchases. i REALLY Need to fluidity spin cycle this to my pixels before the end of the month!
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i stayed up too late. i hope it doesn't hurt that much that i'm writing this at almost 10 pm instead of like, 8 so i can actually sleep at 9:30 pm
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TBD: elaborate tomorrow!
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august 26th
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gee, friday already?
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yeah, today was okay. i didn't sleep very well though! i remember being sleepy the entire day [and my head and tummy hurt]
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i had....english 2x, physics, math 2x and writing
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the writing assignment, oh yeah. i wasn't there last week so i didn't do it on tiem but the teacher let me write one right now! the theme was “narrative chronicle” (chronicles are very popular down here! they're light hearted stories of stuff that happens in every day life)
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i...don't remember anything happening after morning though
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looking at my firefox history...
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i made some graphic designy stuff for amelia! a login screen mockup of an os for her, based on windows longhorn plex
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i watched sonic destruction by snapcube, an ai generated script that's just.f ucking insane
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oh, yeah! i went back to maiacord! we did jackbox tonight while i was at uncle's house! it kind of sucked...
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i forget how hot it is in uncle's house and i don't think i exactly vibe with ppl in maiacord >_<
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august 27th
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saturday...
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i was really sleepy...the entire time
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i think my brain wants me to give porn more than 1 second of thought so i have no more excuse to not investigate it but i'm too fucking tired in general!
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i did...pretty much nothing today, besides [painstakingly] updating linux mint (!!)
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the new version has new bugs >:( but i'm sure they're either exclusive to me or going to be fixed up soon
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hey, at least the title bar finally syncs with the rest of the gtk theme! that's really really pleasant imo
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the mint upgrade tool is actually really really weird
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i guess i can see the reasoning the team had for some of the changes they wanted me to make but like
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removing unofficial packages like aseprite? god no
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removing my x-server? what?????????????
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august 28th
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god i hate sunday i always feel so tired
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uh!! i relapsed today! linux mint 21 is different but comfy! i finished sonic 3 air with sonic and tails! i made a scary sonic xtreme poster!
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i don't remember what else... :(
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august 29th
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okay. i. went to school today, yes.
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what happened at school. math went well actually, but like distressignly so. just because it was stuff i already knew. it sucks. i left earlier today bc the last class landed on entrepeneurship and not math
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but! i studied when i got home! i did 2 subjects today, i think!
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i was worried i wouldn't have enough time to sudy, talk to ana and read the book
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we found out the book exam was due on the 16th next month, so i'm starting on the 1st (ie 2 days)
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i talked to ana and...okay... i'm going to try to worry less about porn
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somehow i had time to make 3.5 drawings! one of unfortunate development rain world, another of gourmand rain world and another another one of me sleeping (plus a variant)
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(checked out a lot of the caretaker fan stuff, and took a while to calm myself down enough to sleep)
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aug 30
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i didn't go to school today. it was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too cold.
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i looked at a lot of porn. i'm not going to try to worry less about porn. i'm not happy
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i still studied but i felt like way less of i absorbed a lot of it i just kind of let sit there in the obsidian markdown file
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(i'm gonna go to a nutritionist also tomorrow! mom says she's cool)
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aug 31
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HEY
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holy shit
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i haven't updated my pixels all month
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...i don't have time to give scores to each one. i hate keeping so much stuff in the washing machine and making my entries ever shorter because "oh my phone will probably crash if i make it too big"
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it's probably too big already this is line 408 on my laptop!
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but okay what actually happened today!
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oh my GOd i've been SO nervous today
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i feel like a rat stuffed in a spacesuit but it's not aligned with what direction is up for my body and the neutral position has several of my limbs folded
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i'm so tired
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i'm so sick of being sick of myself
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every single thing i've done i've created an (i watched a video about procrastination libraries are where you get self-conscious that other people are doing work and that pushes you to work more) anti-library where i just get to not think about stuff
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and then i get mushy because i should be thinking about it but i should probably be able to process more than 1 fucking thing at a time (school / endless internal mental bleeding)
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and then... i revisit a few ideas i have thought about 20 times and never explored further. and then i don't explore them more
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and then i talk to ana about a little bit of it and the conclusion we come to goes badly. specifically because it's exhausting and inconvenient for both of us to keep talking all of the week
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i feel like by not doing daily journaling anymore i've been discouraging myself from actually keeping in mind what i was thinking about on a given day
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if i regurgitate my previous edgy ramble i'm at risk of forgetting the other one or agreeing with my previous conclusion
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so then i put things off and put things off and put things off and eventually i forget HOW to do them. and i'm slowly turning into a worse-than-useless corncob everyone including me has expectations for
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and i start to agree with the idea that i should just fucking kill myself
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and that's how i get here just fantasizing about killing an alter ego i made to talk to mainmemory about porn and then killing myself
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i'd really like to be impaled by 10 spears right now
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UGH
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i think it'd be cool if pixels let me have more than one document per day
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...so, i went to school...it was okay. i spiled mustard on my shirt. that got to me way more than it should
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the classes themselves were alright. but i was out for most of the 2x geography classes self loathing
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but the rest of the day was actually really ok!
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i ate noodles and fish. it was okay. i got way too full.
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i watched some trashy youtube videos. my youtube feed feels like it's just tailoring for things i do not enjoy
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i went to the ffjjhhhjjfgjf NUTRITIONIST!! she is so cool she shares a room with an architect she has an ipad with an accessory keyboard I WANT ONE OF THOSE she was so nice to me she gave me a dietbox account (i couldn't make one because i didn't have a nutritionist yet! i do now! it's so cool! the app layout is so annoying!)
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and then i was mushy all day watching videos and doing studying but i think evne less information sticked with me
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BUT THEN
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i decided to be productive
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it's. 20:37. i am writing and it feels so good.
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i am writing and it feels so bad. i wish i was this productive all day! what the hell! why can't i like actually legitimately care about things?
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what is wrong with me?
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maybe i should just disappear??
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i...reeally really wish i was this productive all day
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i watched a ton of videos from answer in progress and i found out they made a journal at some point and like what the fuck i wish i had one of the curiosity journals they made (genuinely considering getting the digital version)
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because. what. just looking at it makes me want to make video essays all night so badly. i want to look through scientific journals under a vague time pressure and integrate them as sources without straying from the original question. i want to look at myself and go "no i'm twisting my speech to make my own predefined point i remembered when the teacher originally brought htis up" throw EVERYTHING away delay it by 2 weeks to give myself time to reach another conclusion and FINISH IT
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no there's BETTER THINGS THAN THAT
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I WANT TO DO THEM
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I CAN'T
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I HATE THIS
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BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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e: i got up to brush my teeth. i came back exhausted.
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maybe it's only for a day
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maybe the fog is on its way
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maybe the sky is yet to fall
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under the sea i'd like to be
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etc: i don't do productivity, mom takes me places and things happen there. i'm not involved. i hate it.
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sep. 1
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oh no, it's september?
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well...i don't remember doing anything today :(
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i did the exam, and it went well but the rest of my day was dedicated to...
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another relapse. more porn
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sep. 2
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friday.....friday. morning was slow and steady. noon and night were unbearably fast.
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another relapse. more porn
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eduardo came here, that's all i can make out because i woke up in my bed
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sep. 3
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i managed to play sonic adventure 2!! a long time goal! but not without sacrifice, i. installed nsfw mods
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another relapse. more porn
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sep 4
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i know it's not the end, but somewhere deep in my heart i feel like there's still hope for me
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i had to crunch 40 pages of Senhora and it was really fucking hard! this is a dense but deeply enticing book despite what it might look like (it's a 17th century high-class brazillian romance)
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and i did it listening to some drone music, if only because it felt important to me for me to prove a point
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i don't know if i can get myself out of addiction again if it happens but i don't have to go to the absolute edge of death to internalize it
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hell, if i were to, i think it'd be kind of shameful
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P.S.
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oh! fuck! 9 pm?
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i didn't eat dinner and i feel BURNT the fuck out
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ugh
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i'm gonna try to do one last thing before i sleep - sync these diary entries!
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i don't think i've outgrown pixels writing to it is just. hard. i kinda wish it was a crummy online service, if only because i can't think of literally any other way to sync data without wifi or bluetooth but
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bleh!! whatever
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