255 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
255 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
sun, july 17
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today...kind of fucking sucked honestly
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i was pretty active on fedi, i cracked some jokes with friends and i listened to a bit of the rain world ost
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but i nearly relapsed drawing some cute stuff for jill, because...i'm a fucking freak that can't be trusted to internalize that maybe porn is bad after like 985 attempts
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i was trying to get myself not to prioritize having the attitude of "porn bad" over avoiding porn but it does not seem to have worked and that is really infuriating
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i didn't...not do anything but i didn't do a lot either
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(o ya i also watched someone play little inferno and got paranoid abt mom having some medical emergency)
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mon, july 18
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today wasn't much better, but it wasn't remarkable and i'm still angry ovver that. i'm nearly to 2/3 of my mid-year vacations and i haven't gotten my shit together as much as i should've. i'm starting to plan things for august and i just know it won't come true, i'll be even less willing to take a risk when i have the threat of school actually present
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see this month i've been not going all out on stuff because i don't want to build habits i couldn't keep up during school but i end up refusing to stic to the habits i'm trying to build, justifying it with "i probably wouldn't keep it up if i had to do it with the amount of time school gives me"
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but anyways, today was a bit better
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i woke up, asked mom to call mom for me (so i could ask her if i could cut my pills in half [physically])
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she said yes! but i ended up having to wait for her anyways, i didn't want to use the knife wrecklessly but that was the only way get it to cut
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even though the whole time i was working, most of the day feels now like a hazy blur
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i tried to pirate some fonts and i got...1 in before i gave up
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i made a new graphic design project! from a pun i don't remmeber if i made or someone else on fedi ("slimewire", for jill!) but it took up the whole day ( at least i finished it, which infuriatingly is a rare occurance these days )
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i went with mom to the junk shop piri pak, and ran around the shelves for about 0.60 km!! it was fun, i listened to a vaporwave body rock remix while i did it and there was a really huge fan in the store to cool me off
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july 19
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hey!! i'm writing this tomorrow, but....still sucks - i barely remmber what happened today!
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i woke up at 8....i made something for the creator of that transfem sonic mod!! some edited sprites for the title screen and jumpball
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jill has been kind of unwell, hope it feels better soon,
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i later helped nami with fund raising stuff, we're still gonna try to scam ppl. but we need to put that money somewhere, yknow....so we're trying to get a site we can receive crypto from - we decided on blockchain.com but we would've gone for coinbase
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then, i got...oddly hyped for splatoon 3! and made some art wth the aesthetic - edited the rain world food hud i placed on my desktop as a watermark and made a wip for a version of pixels with the karma symbols!!
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july 19 - 20 (had a dream where i ate a LOT of hot dogs in grandma's
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july 20
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okay...i'm writing on the 21st, and it sucks
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i don't exactly rember what happened today which makes me sad
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i woke up kind of late, took my meds...
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still trying to help nami, still trying to make that drawing for genome
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oh! i'm pretty sure i went for a walk at the supermarket today! was pretty exhausting but it was fun
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i had a horrible realization in the middle of the day, i want to tell ana if nothing goes wrong tomorrow and i should really fill mom in on all the terrible shit i've been going through for 4 fucking years (porn addiction)
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dropped one of the soda cans i was carrying to grandma's house from the car, felt REALLY stressed
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did a lot of duolingo before going to sleep
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july 21
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ohhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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i hate this
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okay today was mostly fine, i ate nice food i went with mom to do some business stuff (the bank, the hydrogymnastics place) we measured eachother for clothes shopping
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but.... i tried to write for mom about porn addiction and my computer crashed and now i'm in hell
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i'm hungry my friends on fedi are suicidal like they are every 2 months and i lost like 45 minutes worth of effort
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going to sleep, i'll finish writing for mom tomorrow and i REALLY hope i have the energy to talk to ana bout it
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e: asked mom for some bread with tuna. felt a lot better.... gonna be ok, i think
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july 22
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boups!!
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i don't remember what happened today which is weird bc it's only been....1 day
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looking thru my messages, damn that was yesterday???
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sooo!! i made some sprites of me in the style of smb2 :O
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jackie told me you can use skins in the smb2 randomizer and i'm Considering trying that sometime. sounds Cool even just in general
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i did an outlineless drawing of me inspired by the fibbage 3 art!! (jackbox party pack game with really fucking good illustrations)
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i helped nami (now millie!!) out with some betterdiscord stuff and got a new theme for myself at that betterdiscord theme editor site that i think the theme repo used to pull instructions for cement mixing from!! it's great. loved the look wanna do something macos but dunno what
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oh yeah, the other day i was really grumpy (the day before the one iw as planning to go for a walk at 7 am...) and i nearly went to sleep before i got a fucking nosebleed??? sucks
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(etc: had a dream where i was a plant creature with dark skin in a small town (no roads) but it was like. a game. but i could just go anywhere. there were tons of people there too. one worm that greeted me as "a plant", someone else i don't remember?)
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enough delaying it....
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i had a realization the other day
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i was gonna tell mom about porn my addiction
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and then my laptop froze and i had to do start it all over again!! i didn't finish today :/
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july 23
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hey!!
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today was a lot better though sadly i haven't been on fedi in...a long time jeez
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yeah, i continued to be mushy
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yesterday eduardo came and i had to sleep in my room which sucked. i also waited for mom to get home to help her swap out the bedsheets, and...then...
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i kind of dozed off for a while. talked to nami a bit, really haven't been up in violet meadow in a long time. feels like 4-5 days!! i hate it
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grandma came to visit so she and mom could go buy a few things for me (i asked for some more fruit salad!) (oh yeah i ate that while i watched jacksepticeye play Stray!! a game where yr a kitten in an underground secluded and infested post-human city trying to get to the surface. it's great!!)
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and when she did i decided. hmm now'd be a good time to visit uncle. so i did!! i packed my stuff up and headed for his house (not before being a bit annoying about changing clothes....i really need a bath...!!) and went there! wherein i tried to focus as best i could on finishing rewriting the confessions to mom. and i did!! to the tune of fibbage 3 and Comendo Uva na Chuva (it's one of uncle's favorites!! i really need to download that and just. ask for his suggestions on brazillian music i should get. god i'll miss him when he's gone in like 20 years....
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i really hope i can get to know uncle more)
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in other news
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i chipped awway at that smb2 sheet. I Sure Fucking Hope My Computer Doesn't Crash Again bc i'm pretty happy with the progress
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i am hungry again
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damb it
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ok i should actually go to sleep
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i can sync these diary entries tomorrow- wow a whole week??
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july 24
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goghhhhhh
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today took a lot out of me! i finally told mom what i'd been bottling up for 4 years, and...i wish she addressed it more directly
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what we talked about felt a little unrelated, but...i appreciate it, and ruminating on this would probably be better than being told outright
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(i also watched sonic studio stuff by lapper dev, i did an art piece!!: about this mac but it's sanctuaryos...)
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(watched chuggaaconroy getting closer to the end of splatoon 2! heard the middle by jimmy eat world finding out about it from a video by 12tone
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my friends are still not okay though, and i don't feel well either
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july 25
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i've been feeling stuck in a rut for a long time now
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like things are just never okay for more than 20 minutes
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and, i don't get much of anywhere trying to resist having a breakdown
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i was going to talk to ana today, and this might've been a good topic but instead i went to hydrogymnastics, which....
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dear god!!! horrifying. it's um, the thing where you go in a pool and do various wacky movements (distinctly not swimming).
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but i was already mushy today so i just felt half-awake and like i was gonna pass out. it got less bad over time but eeeee
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psdx showed me a 66 page google doc exposing millie for bullying twotailedneppy but i talked to her about it and. no! this is kind of bullshit! especially coming from them, since they're the least involved
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it's still bullying but it's justified neppy was really shitty to millie and her friends
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i later saw mavica (maplesbian) nearly go into sui publically on the tl and that fucked with me a lot after how much stress i went through before i talked to millie
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i am so so so so so tired of things never ever being right for more than 20 seconds, going on medium and seeing ppl writing about. actually living with adhd and stuff and working with it instead of kicking and screaming in denial drove me up the wall????
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it's harder to keep my drive to improve up when i never get a breather long enough to actually let that pressure go for a moment
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i made some vent drawings after eating some chicken droplets (you know the ones!! coxinhas, named after legs but ehhh)
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i forgot to duoling today and the day before yesterday... i hope i don't lose the habit :(
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oh yeah i changed my desktop sound scheme
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july 26
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recalling today is a bit tough...
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i don't remember having breakfast, i did eat okay pasta though! and later hot dogs
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i continued work on that idea i had for a metro map connecting baba is you / rain world / hollow knight / ori and the blind forest!! i found a cute series about these games on tumblr too and even updated _my_ tumblr page? i got really into watching reviews of the jackbox party pack series for some reason...
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oh dear was that really all i did?
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in 16 hours?
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:(
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july 27
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hi...i still haven't updated those pixels, huh
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:((
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so!! i woke up today hungry and did not eat lunch. i just eated yogurt
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i did hydrogynmastics!! it was really fun!! a lot better than monday, felt like a dreamcast game with the loud music and the teacher shouting and the strange movements...i even outpaced mom and grandma in a few of the exercises??? at the end i got to lay down and have mom push me around the pool and then i did the same for her!! fun
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it was with jean lima too! the p.e. guy from school!! and i saw ana's car!! and i saw a house that had something to do with uncle cau?
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and one of the people who was with us at the pool knew my family!! and last time we were there one of the people complimented me!! a lot of first timers and a lot of old ppl strangely
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nice though...
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but when i came home i really didn't do much....
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i downloaded some rain world mods i didn't play, i rambled a bit to myself about my mental health, i watched rtgame play the stanley parable and hollow knight, chipped away at my smb2 sprite sheet and i'm gonna help millie with a rouge drawing tomorrow
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i'm so tired. i don't have much time left either.
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july 28
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today was...just okay
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i remembered super paper mario and just how weird that game was, i talked with genome about a ton of silly stuff
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i worked a bit more on the oc i was making for them!! they said they wanted something punk or chill and i think we're getting there
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i helped nami with the rouge drawing, she said she relapsed over it :(
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at that i've been getting close to, but this time it feels like it's going to be different
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every time i still keep myself grounded with uh. undertale hopes and dreams chorus!!
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i even went all out and did like, 18 duolingo lessons!! and i kept doing fatsecret!!
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...but i still feel empty, somewhere. i wanted to talk to ana, but i couldn't today. i really hope i can tomorrow
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i saw some tumblr artists who did deltarune stuff as deltarune memes 13 is out!! it was really really comfy
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i downlaoded some rain world mods...that i ended up not playing today
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july 29
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I'M GONNA LIVE
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sorry!! just really had to get that out of me
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today was still slow but it was Better
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i woke up at 11, i played some rain world
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it was really cold, and it even rained for like 30 seconds in the day!!
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i ate some food that i didn't reeeeally like.... ( mown chicken with pasta + peas, corn. eventually added 1 fried beef )
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i talked to ana, about: there's a lot of topics that i've been wanting to talk about that i just end up going in circles when i try to examine closer
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we came to the conclusion: i really couldn't even if i had all the time in the world, because these things need experience with...other people, and i don't really choose when i get that
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thankfully, i'm gonna start doing it again...in 2.5 days!!
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i worked a little more on a drawing i started yesterday, distinctly not the one for genome. one of drawn me taking a selfie in one of the rain worlds!
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but, everything good seems to come with it's bads...
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feeling yet more alienated, everyone on fedi seems to still be doing really fucking awful
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i really really wish i could help
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actually surprises me that i've not had a breakdown over it...
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did like, 5 levels of that pinball minigame in one of the mobile games mom plays...
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i think today wasn't that productive, but it was still good!
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july 30
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GOD DAMN IT!!
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um. oops!! i didn't do anything all day!!
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i woke up and tried to download music...to no avail
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watched a video about adhd and felt determined to push myself out of bed to...get water
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i played a little rain world and achieved nothing
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i tried to draw something
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i made a few rain world memes!
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i visited uncle and didn't do anything there (bed is comfy with the heavy blanket though)
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watched sonic forces reimagined, the video
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i came home and kept watching youtube
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i feel very tired!
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july 31
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last day before school starts....
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stressful
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i didn't really do much tbh
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i tried to lighten up my mood - turning light mode on in a lot of apps i use
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but like, around 21:00 i just felt like absolute trash. i felt like i'd lost all my momentum
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i'm so tired of doing something wrong, realizing next week, blaming myself, not learning anything
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august 1
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today wasn't good
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i woke up kind of confident. that was a mistake.
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i went to school, i felt really tired the entire time. i think i had a realization, i wanted to talk to ana about it
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it was a normal day, i just...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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i don't like myself, i fucked everything up for the 6 years i was conscious and now i have to live with the consequences and somehow convince myself that i'm still a good person who can do good things
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i still haven't synced my pixels.
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i ate too much and had difficulty in hydrogymnastics. i made no progress helping millie with cryptoshit.
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i recommended some ppl for her to follow on fedi though, my inner friend group
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hope she likes htem...
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i hate that already this is uncomfortable. i miss the feeling of coming to my own home and not feeling out of place in my own skin (having homework)
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i don't know school days just feel so much less...comfortable
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i don't get to space productive activities out as much as i like to
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..oh
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i did talk to ana about the thing by the way!! it didn't go well, i just ket trashing myself
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but. maybe it'll be better tomorrow? i don't know and i'd really rather figure this out sooner than later
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