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typed command, for example -you can escape it like \!\! - -akira — Today at 20:23 -ohhh -thank you! -oops that's 2 commits with a slightly different message -i was thinking about this a while before this can i change the git commit message for an existing commit before pushing? - - -oatmealine — Today at 20:24 -git commit --amend for latest -donmt know anything else -maia — Today at 20:25 -uuuuh -oatmealine — Today at 20:25 -you can probably pass in a commit hash after amend -maia — Today at 20:25 -interactive rebase or resetting if u were to want to merge them but i am too sick to rember how to best explaim that -akira — Today at 20:25 -thanks!! -maia — Today at 20:26 -soft resetting is easiest -for this -since its the last two commits -akira — Today at 20:27 -oh?? -soft reset? diff --git a/git spells~ b/git spells~ deleted file mode 100644 index 0959146..0000000 --- a/git spells~ +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -git commit -m "added my css userstyles!, and maybe some graphic design 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silly picture of what it thought young obama would look like :o +i was extremely worried about essay class today, because i have an exam!! no i don't, i just had to finish the text i was supposed to write about hunger in brazil. but since i didn't make any other pieces under this teacher...it'll be the only one counted for my score on essay clsas this semester. +the 3rd class unfortunately wasn't it, though! it was....physics i think! sucked. we had 2 math classes after that and they were really painful, coffee didn't help me feel less sleepy and i was dying near when before essay class starting + +essay ended up being last, and i actually pulled through!! it felt really great to write and the ideas just kind of flowed into my hands +i didn't even need extra time to write! i did go to the waiting room to pass it to paper, which i rocked out to hopes and dreams while doing!! hurt my hands but was tooootally worth it. +i think it kind of sucked for the original assignment, it's good as it's own article but it does suck as an unopinionated editorial... + +so, anyways, i just kind of chilled the rest of the day, watching ted-ed videos, talking to genome about omori shitposts, hanging out at violet meadow... +...and reading the book! i skimmed with regis so i knew most stuff but there were a few things i didn't recognize. wanted to get up to page 32, but just went to 21... +actually wait i think that was yesterday! + + + + +june 25 + +i'm so happy +today started slow and i'm sad that i mostly got moving because of circumstance - my bday party!! - but i think it's maybe fine +because....oh gosh +i had so many ideas for drawings and designs. i ate tasty food at the party! (pastries, cake) i chilled out with uncle both in the morning and the evening after the party!! i took a bath and washed my hair while mom watched adn played a song she liked!! + +mom and grandma set off to get my cake for the party and i squeezed some cream on their hands... (speaking of which, grandma gave me a new purple one!! blueberries and some ee-i-don't-remember, it's really great!!) i read more into the book until mom came home and while i didn't get my goal of 70 pages i did get to 68! which i think is pretty close. the pdf SUUUUCKS. constant typing errors, some completely unexplainable. +but like...the book itself is really good! i'm still really loving it! + +i even got to skim some parts bc we read a lot more than i remember on that day with Régis + +i was gonna talk to ana at 1400 yesterday but she was really really sick....even today kind of sucked though, we were being really unproductive because i didn't communicate that a lot of what she had said today i was already thinking while writing, and even the thing i've been thinking about that...feels like my brain is pushing me to appropriate legitimate conditions (the feeling i associate with the word drowning, or the idea of something taking over my brain) i didn't get to mention because...i wanna find the root cause for this!! and i don't feel like she might help which suuuucks + +but whateverrrrrr +Eduardo even came home!! i was just going home and unlocking the gate when his car showed up! i opened up for myself and filled Chinho's bowl with food and water (felt motherly there, was talking directly to him like mom does to me!!) (let him inside for a bit but he bit me (i get it!! this is a cat thing) and i think wanted to leave in general) + +and now i'm here. chilling in my bedroom. +tons of people wished me happy birthday on feddy and discord it was pretty good + +(remember seeing my uncles partaking in political affairs...they both seem to agree the events of today (abortion is illegal in a lot of places in the us now!!) are fucking stupid/terrifying and people arguing in favor are bad +i even indulged them a bit... + +god i still i can't believe i'm 14... +honest to god so happy, feels like new years even though it absolutely isn't + + + + +june 26 +today was pretty great :O. i woke at a reasonable time, i...spent a lot of time not doing anything? i did get really into the groove of the aesthetic of icons i made + macos ventura wallpaper though!! like i did on the 24th +...i did feel AWFUL around 1400 though. i took a nap with mom until about...1457. +mom reminded me to do my chemistry project last minute, it came out kind of poopy but it was okayyyyy i was Tired +...because i was reading the book!! which went really well i knocked it out of the park and i would say read even more than i had to but no i didn't i finished it??? +i told mom about a bunch of funny stuff i saw in it, i tried to start a new graphic design project and failed, and i've got tons of ideas for stuff to work on eventually...i just wish i could get to it sooner + + +june 27 +..hey...! i got done with school today :D!! i'm oficially on vacation now!!!!!!!! (er. no i'm not, i still have spanish homework for today.) +i went to school at the usual time but my priority was the book exam (which, thank god!! i don't think i could stand another week of this!!) which went really really well!! it pains my braint o think, that piece of shit, but... it's really fun to think about the book. + +i worked a lot more on a pixel art i made of an undertale akira?? it was pretty cool, i'm considering using kristal for some fangamey stuff! (tbh i just wanna make some space to roam around in in general) but it's windows only and idk lua + +i did one graphic design project!! a fictional violet meadow tv channel with a "coming up" screen. i'm really happy with how it came out, the crayon brush in gimp is great + +i took a bath, and i drifted to sleep pretty peacefully. i don't remember what happened right before? + + + + +june 28 +i can't believe it's june 28!! what the hell? +um, today was pretty good! diff --git a/miscellaneous/diary bites 3 b/miscellaneous/diary bites 3 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bcfc6c --- /dev/null +++ b/miscellaneous/diary bites 3 @@ -0,0 +1,97 @@ +july 2st + +ahh....to wake up and smell the Jully +i'm writing this on the 4th, in my katamari. it sucks that saturday and sunday were really really slow!! +i've been burping an awful lot today, wonder if it's indigestion or something (mom said on the 4th it's bc i'm eating less than my body's used to!) +i've also been really...really mushy +at least!! today on saturday i talked to ana (she had to reschedule for whatever reason to today! it's alright) +it was bothering me that it feels like she always reinforces what i already inferred but like, it helps me realize stuff, i shouldn't be internalizing "oh maybe she's dumb actually" that's really gross + +we talked about how, wow, it's kind of pathetic that i took so long to actually care about porn addiction! and that might've been discouraging me - i felt like i could never make it up to my idea of a responsible akira + + + + +july 3 +checked out rain world mods! didn't install many though +jill explored pipis cat and it is so cursed?? +still haven't gone out...uncle asked about it!! hope i can tomorrow +mom's still doing duolingo!! she's really good at it +made something graphic designy for jill! rain world hud for the desktop and totally not malware (e-excuse me, could i p-please i have your credit card id?) + + + +july 4th +finally went for a walk!! tummy was hurting so i took fruit salt (fizzy water) first to make my stomach feel better.w as worried wlaking would make it worse but it was okie! + +tried to make something for jill, didn't go well... my x server hung!! +didn't do my duolingo i think +helping nami with the fake id for the furry comm server scams, we're still not getting very far + + + +july 5th +hello, today wasn't really great +i...continued to be mushy today, i really hate how tired i feel all the time when i don't have responsibilities on the horizon minus duolingo and Walkin' +and, i'm down to...1 assert pill!! that means i've taken 39!!! the medication should be in full effect about now!! yet, i feel so tired. it really sucks. maybe it WILL be better when i walk more but it's really inconsistent! it's not fun for mom especially when it's one of many chores for her and she'd have to do it twice a day ideally + +it was less bad today though +i got to eat noodles with steak!! (not as good as i wish) i played some more rain world, i made a ton (1 and 4 drafts) of drawings +i played around a bunch with my friends, i'm really happy to be at violet meadow and i hope it stays this way + +counterintuitively (not really,,) it's legitimately pleasant to help mom getting medication for her, checking the doors +putting on some rainy sounds, laying down +fighting to stay awake + + +there's a fuck ton of bugs in my house. i'm gonna become a frog out of spite i hate these little assholes how did they even get inside why is it hot enough for them but too cold for me to be above the blankets without being uncomfy!! + + +july 6 + +oh yeah baby this Sucks +i've forgotten basically everything that happened yesterday and the day before and i'm having to write for those days +i wish i had more habits that pushed me to look at myself with humility + +um, today... +i woke up erally mushy and that never really changed. i'm just feeling tired now at night instead of sleepy +so, i went for a walk with mom thankfully! i was looking forward to this. it was way less tiring than on the 4th, where we went up a big ramp and got our legs fucked) + +yesterday, i checked out tamago2474!! i can't believe i'm not subscribed on my new (not old) youtube acc! i was really needing black youtubers in my feed and i happen to enjoy his content +(oh my god i really need to expand my taste and should want really to do research on other cultures) + +i took my last assert pill today, and that was nice! mom went out today too for a walk and to get new meds for me (+ some other stuff/?) + +she got a new credit card too!! we were discussing this recently but i'm pretty sure i didn't write it down :( +she got a pride themed one and it's been a while since these showed up but i really enjoy the new vertical front side designs in credit cards! no personally identifiable info, just a few brands, plenty of space to admire the background you chose for it... + +it's great, i just hope she doesn't abuse the ability to freely transfer money to get a kick, i know mom has problems stress eating and with candies (she even was worried she might have developed diabetes when she started pissing an awful lot the other day) (i think she's also mentioned to her friends constantly her piss comes out fucking orange but idk if that was just advice or genuine) + + +i passed by uncle's house with mom after we took a walk! i'd have , enjoyed just staying in my house but that's fine too, because!! i got to push duolingo onto uncle like i kinda-wanted to +he picked spanish and idk, might go for klingon too (how have i never talked about him here?? he's cool!! he really likes star trek, does architecture, shaved his beard recently?? tall and a bit dark skinned, kind of a pushover with me specifically but otherwise slightly impatient, has tons of books, likes orange) + +grandma turned it down and, gosh i feel bad for trying now +i'm just. scared, yknow? i hope she doesn't die but it'll happen some day and i'm not ready. neither am i for uncle's death. either foca/luis (he's 50...) or cau. (don't remember...) +iirc grandma is 74, mom is in her 40's + +it's probably possible to infer but i'm an only child +i've always felt this pressure to keep my bloodline alive because my family's had a rough history and especially when i'm pretty out of touch with it i'm in this weird "too lazy to actually ask" "still panicking in that white twitter user way that i don't know" sttate (oh this might be a good therapy topic!!) that just. god, i really hope i can donate sperm before i transition in case i become infertile from it. +because i've accepted yeah i'm not gonna live forever, i don't want to either +i just haven't accepted that i don't get to like, transfer this soul to some other body and reincarnate + + + +oh dear this has been a whole lot of inner thoughts and not a lot of things that actually happened today?? +uhh last minute scribbles time again!! + + +i couldn't find my glasses or phone when i woke up. mom didn't put them to charge and the charger seems to be fucked anyways? +i did another drawing today!! it made me really happy. slightly changed my design but it should be good as a reference if ppl make art of me,, + +still working out that photo of nami with her and she's thinking of doing something wholly different - professional designer or coloring over grayscale +remember that guy who voiced a ton of liminal space images, polygon donut? i checked out a few more of his videos!! they're kind of brainrot-y but it'd probably be good if i literally didn't have anything better to do (i've been feeling a lot these days like i'm wasting my time, which i kind of am"" i could be using this to get smarter and cooler but i'm just proceeding as normal. at least the second half of the year isn't as slow...) + +i looked back at the mother orb post (weird ominous object in an isaac mod) from genome and applied some li'l lamb gel on my leg bc it is Irritated + +think that's all, yeah diff --git a/miscellaneous/diary bites 4 b/miscellaneous/diary bites 4 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4b440eb --- /dev/null +++ b/miscellaneous/diary bites 4 @@ -0,0 +1,87 @@ +july 11 +writing on the 12th (wow!!!!) +yesterday i slept at 4, today was at 3:30. still sucks, just a little less +i woke up at like...10. i tried to continue that newspaper idea for violet meadow, but i ended up keeping myself busy today...mostly helping nami with The photo, which is kind of bothering mom lately because. yeah!! i could legitimately get into trouble for this. the chances are tiny, but...they are there, and i don't want to upset mom in general, +in between i did my duolingo, and later into the night i watched sonic speed reading from the game apologist!! wow, the comics are actuallly really good? +i got an idea for a transfem sonic variant (!!!) i told psdx about it and they showed me a script they made on ao3 for an alternate history sonic chronology (particularly sonic 1) mixing and matching existing srb2 mods to make it playable!! + +july 12 +feeling kinda bad +today in general sucked a little. i've been feeling pretty tired the whole day and my throat hurts, i get stomach aches from nearly everything +i think it's just the air being too dry...? it has indeed not rained in A LONG TIME + +i didn't really try to resume the newspaper idea! i think i don't have enough motivation, idk why!! i have good headlines, the verbose words to give them briefings. i guess it doesn't feel like it's really mine, knowing i'm copying the layout, which...is really hard at a small size! i don't have everything planned out so i just get stuck thinking about the first story + +i put mossbag and rain world ost on in the background, i really wanna pirate rain world's ost now!! especially because i can't buy it anywhere but itunes?? no bandcamp?????????? + +i would've, but...i got side tracked starting a port of mania amy to s3air. and i referenced porn for the colors because I decided on a whim to do dark skinned amy. FUck + + +i didn't even meditate that much, i haven't been in the right...literally weather (which i think influences headspace (not wild internal worlds!! Fuck)) to sit down and think about it + +think that's the reason i have been delaying duolingo to. um. 23:41!! all day and it sucks + +oh yeah i got my nails done! feeels nice after like 2 weeks + +behhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh +i can't wait for tomorrow +oh, wow it's already the 11th? + +oh yeah i also ate mini pizza from the airfryer + + + + + + +july 13 + +i noticed, i feel like i'm getting a bit too selfish, especially after going on a rant about rich people after looking at memphis design +maybey i shouldn't write down everything i ever think about to therapy drafts +feels like it makes pondering less effective to explore every avenue for thought immediately without really thinking about whether it would go anywhere +i did even less than usual today - i didn't help nami out, i barely talked to anyone +i visited a jitsi and played around with friends but that was it, the rest was doing an improvement to the amy mod for sonic 3 i was bothered didn't use the mania mod's sprites (and doing it badly!!) + +july 14th +oh, GOD i feel awful. i had literally the whole day to do Anything but i just sat around feeling empty and disenergized +i didn't even talk to nami, i didn't expand on my ideas in my therapy draft file like i wanted to yesterday + +i barely remember deciding what to do for myself?? feels like i've been on autopilot for most of the time i was awake + +i don't know that the i can blame my medication on this, should i find more things to do than explore the internet? it sure feels like it'd break up what's been routine for... years, now........ but there is Nothing to do around here!! + + +july 15th +i put writing for this day off for...almost 2 days. +today, i talked to ana! it was...really, really nice having any stimuli not just phase me + +yeah, we talked about my addiction; how my anxiety medication might've been backfiring +i went over to uncle's too but i really wish i talked more to him! kept talking to ana from 17:00 to like, literally 18:00 (first time i've been there since like, last week for his bday, i had the chance to do brain age and i should've taken it) + +i took awfully long to do my duolingo and forgot to do some of the stuff i said i'd do (make a drawing for jill and agatha, send my art to ana) +i actually did make one drawing though!! and a big one i'm really proud of - no outlines, scene of The violet meadow at night with for some reason looks to the moon and amelia shooting agatha to the moon ("boups to the moon") + + +july 15th +woke up and took a bath!! even washed my hair and face, airdryed meself +hey! today sucked a little but i think i'm getting....anecdotal evidence that maybe my dose of Assert® is too high (50mg, i'm guessing per pill) +i DIDN'T take my medication and i felt...not a lot, i'm guessing because i already had took it for so long but still better!!!!!!!!! +(mom said for me to take it tomorrow. i will!! would prove that this wasn't just sheer luck too - i suspected it but even if it is i should still not just immediately pivot to not taking it, since i was like...nearly blowing up and dying before i started taking it) + +oh, right, the rest of the day + +i mostly watched youtube but i was really active on fedi and i drew something for jill! one of it's ocs, jillo! (trauma dumped about slimes but idk i'd feel ingenuine not to mention it (but maybe that's kind of dumb)) + +i watched more of that ls mark video where he covers EVERY spongebob episode, i played little a sonic the hedgehog 1 + +watched jimmy mcgee (guy who talked about rain world) talk teleglitch and cruelty squad (not the movie! the really ugly arcane kids looking dystopia nnightmare game) and a new leadhead video about addiction and decided, fuck it, i'll copy her + +it's kind of fucking ridiculous i have to debate with myself to pretend to put up a fight when i get the urge to watch porn, seemingly completely forgetting how fucking awful it is for me +it probably won't be as effective, being a psyche problem to a material item, but i'm gonna try getting myself to just aggressively dinkwater when i think about it! + +hypothesized on some drawing ideas and did duolingo near midnight :0 +i'm fucken hungy. but i'm too sleepy +gooooooosh i wish i could make food for myself, even if it was just sandwiches +(thinking abt that one scene from ? where the guy throws a pillow on the floor if he doesn't want to forget something but hasn't the energy to write it down) + +oh a!! nami gave up on the photo edit but she asked her sister in law for help diff --git a/miscellaneous/diary bites 5 b/miscellaneous/diary bites 5 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b05017f --- /dev/null +++ b/miscellaneous/diary bites 5 @@ -0,0 +1,254 @@ +sun, july 17 +today...kind of fucking sucked honestly +i was pretty active on fedi, i cracked some jokes with friends and i listened to a bit of the rain world ost +but i nearly relapsed drawing some cute stuff for jill, because...i'm a fucking freak that can't be trusted to internalize that maybe porn is bad after like 985 attempts +i was trying to get myself not to prioritize having the attitude of "porn bad" over avoiding porn but it does not seem to have worked and that is really infuriating +i didn't...not do anything but i didn't do a lot either +(o ya i also watched someone play little inferno and got paranoid abt mom having some medical emergency) + +mon, july 18 +today wasn't much better, but it wasn't remarkable and i'm still angry ovver that. i'm nearly to 2/3 of my mid-year vacations and i haven't gotten my shit together as much as i should've. i'm starting to plan things for august and i just know it won't come true, i'll be even less willing to take a risk when i have the threat of school actually present +see this month i've been not going all out on stuff because i don't want to build habits i couldn't keep up during school but i end up refusing to stic to the habits i'm trying to build, justifying it with "i probably wouldn't keep it up if i had to do it with the amount of time school gives me" + +but anyways, today was a bit better +i woke up, asked mom to call mom for me (so i could ask her if i could cut my pills in half [physically]) +she said yes! but i ended up having to wait for her anyways, i didn't want to use the knife wrecklessly but that was the only way get it to cut +even though the whole time i was working, most of the day feels now like a hazy blur + + +i tried to pirate some fonts and i got...1 in before i gave up +i made a new graphic design project! from a pun i don't remmeber if i made or someone else on fedi ("slimewire", for jill!) but it took up the whole day ( at least i finished it, which infuriatingly is a rare occurance these days ) + +i went with mom to the junk shop piri pak, and ran around the shelves for about 0.60 km!! it was fun, i listened to a vaporwave body rock remix while i did it and there was a really huge fan in the store to cool me off + + + + +july 19 +hey!! i'm writing this tomorrow, but....still sucks - i barely remmber what happened today! +i woke up at 8....i made something for the creator of that transfem sonic mod!! some edited sprites for the title screen and jumpball +jill has been kind of unwell, hope it feels better soon, +i later helped nami with fund raising stuff, we're still gonna try to scam ppl. but we need to put that money somewhere, yknow....so we're trying to get a site we can receive crypto from - we decided on blockchain.com but we would've gone for coinbase + +then, i got...oddly hyped for splatoon 3! and made some art wth the aesthetic - edited the rain world food hud i placed on my desktop as a watermark and made a wip for a version of pixels with the karma symbols!! + + +july 19 - 20 (had a dream where i ate a LOT of hot dogs in grandma's + + + + + +july 20 +okay...i'm writing on the 21st, and it sucks +i don't exactly rember what happened today which makes me sad +i woke up kind of late, took my meds... +still trying to help nami, still trying to make that drawing for genome +oh! i'm pretty sure i went for a walk at the supermarket today! was pretty exhausting but it was fun +i had a horrible realization in the middle of the day, i want to tell ana if nothing goes wrong tomorrow and i should really fill mom in on all the terrible shit i've been going through for 4 fucking years (porn addiction) +dropped one of the soda cans i was carrying to grandma's house from the car, felt REALLY stressed +did a lot of duolingo before going to sleep + + +july 21 +ohhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH +i hate this +okay today was mostly fine, i ate nice food i went with mom to do some business stuff (the bank, the hydrogymnastics place) we measured eachother for clothes shopping +but.... i tried to write for mom about porn addiction and my computer crashed and now i'm in hell +i'm hungry my friends on fedi are suicidal like they are every 2 months and i lost like 45 minutes worth of effort +going to sleep, i'll finish writing for mom tomorrow and i REALLY hope i have the energy to talk to ana bout it +e: asked mom for some bread with tuna. felt a lot better.... gonna be ok, i think + + + + +july 22 +boups!! +i don't remember what happened today which is weird bc it's only been....1 day +looking thru my messages, damn that was yesterday??? +sooo!! i made some sprites of me in the style of smb2 :O +jackie told me you can use skins in the smb2 randomizer and i'm Considering trying that sometime. sounds Cool even just in general +i did an outlineless drawing of me inspired by the fibbage 3 art!! (jackbox party pack game with really fucking good illustrations) + +i helped nami (now millie!!) out with some betterdiscord stuff and got a new theme for myself at that betterdiscord theme editor site that i think the theme repo used to pull instructions for cement mixing from!! it's great. loved the look wanna do something macos but dunno what + +oh yeah, the other day i was really grumpy (the day before the one iw as planning to go for a walk at 7 am...) and i nearly went to sleep before i got a fucking nosebleed??? sucks +(etc: had a dream where i was a plant creature with dark skin in a small town (no roads) but it was like. a game. but i could just go anywhere. there were tons of people there too. one worm that greeted me as "a plant", someone else i don't remember?) + +enough delaying it.... +i had a realization the other day +i was gonna tell mom about porn my addiction +and then my laptop froze and i had to do start it all over again!! i didn't finish today :/ + + +july 23 +hey!! +today was a lot better though sadly i haven't been on fedi in...a long time jeez +yeah, i continued to be mushy +yesterday eduardo came and i had to sleep in my room which sucked. i also waited for mom to get home to help her swap out the bedsheets, and...then... +i kind of dozed off for a while. talked to nami a bit, really haven't been up in violet meadow in a long time. feels like 4-5 days!! i hate it +grandma came to visit so she and mom could go buy a few things for me (i asked for some more fruit salad!) (oh yeah i ate that while i watched jacksepticeye play Stray!! a game where yr a kitten in an underground secluded and infested post-human city trying to get to the surface. it's great!!) + +and when she did i decided. hmm now'd be a good time to visit uncle. so i did!! i packed my stuff up and headed for his house (not before being a bit annoying about changing clothes....i really need a bath...!!) and went there! wherein i tried to focus as best i could on finishing rewriting the confessions to mom. and i did!! to the tune of fibbage 3 and Comendo Uva na Chuva (it's one of uncle's favorites!! i really need to download that and just. ask for his suggestions on brazillian music i should get. god i'll miss him when he's gone in like 20 years.... +i really hope i can get to know uncle more) + +in other news +i chipped awway at that smb2 sheet. I Sure Fucking Hope My Computer Doesn't Crash Again bc i'm pretty happy with the progress +i am hungry again +damb it +ok i should actually go to sleep +i can sync these diary entries tomorrow- wow a whole week?? + + + +july 24 +goghhhhhh +today took a lot out of me! i finally told mom what i'd been bottling up for 4 years, and...i wish she addressed it more directly +what we talked about felt a little unrelated, but...i appreciate it, and ruminating on this would probably be better than being told outright +(i also watched sonic studio stuff by lapper dev, i did an art piece!!: about this mac but it's sanctuaryos...) +(watched chuggaaconroy getting closer to the end of splatoon 2! heard the middle by jimmy eat world finding out about it from a video by 12tone + +my friends are still not okay though, and i don't feel well either + + + + +july 25 +i've been feeling stuck in a rut for a long time now +like things are just never okay for more than 20 minutes +and, i don't get much of anywhere trying to resist having a breakdown +i was going to talk to ana today, and this might've been a good topic but instead i went to hydrogymnastics, which.... +dear god!!! horrifying. it's um, the thing where you go in a pool and do various wacky movements (distinctly not swimming). +but i was already mushy today so i just felt half-awake and like i was gonna pass out. it got less bad over time but eeeee + + +psdx showed me a 66 page google doc exposing millie for bullying twotailedneppy but i talked to her about it and. no! this is kind of bullshit! especially coming from them, since they're the least involved +it's still bullying but it's justified neppy was really shitty to millie and her friends + +i later saw mavica (maplesbian) nearly go into sui publically on the tl and that fucked with me a lot after how much stress i went through before i talked to millie +i am so so so so so tired of things never ever being right for more than 20 seconds, going on medium and seeing ppl writing about. actually living with adhd and stuff and working with it instead of kicking and screaming in denial drove me up the wall???? +it's harder to keep my drive to improve up when i never get a breather long enough to actually let that pressure go for a moment + +i made some vent drawings after eating some chicken droplets (you know the ones!! coxinhas, named after legs but ehhh) +i forgot to duoling today and the day before yesterday... i hope i don't lose the habit :( + +oh yeah i changed my desktop sound scheme + + + + + +july 26 +recalling today is a bit tough... +i don't remember having breakfast, i did eat okay pasta though! and later hot dogs +i continued work on that idea i had for a metro map connecting baba is you / rain world / hollow knight / ori and the blind forest!! i found a cute series about these games on tumblr too and even updated _my_ tumblr page? i got really into watching reviews of the jackbox party pack series for some reason... +oh dear was that really all i did? +in 16 hours? +:( + + + +july 27 +hi...i still haven't updated those pixels, huh +:(( + +so!! i woke up today hungry and did not eat lunch. i just eated yogurt +i did hydrogynmastics!! it was really fun!! a lot better than monday, felt like a dreamcast game with the loud music and the teacher shouting and the strange movements...i even outpaced mom and grandma in a few of the exercises??? at the end i got to lay down and have mom push me around the pool and then i did the same for her!! fun + +it was with jean lima too! the p.e. guy from school!! and i saw ana's car!! and i saw a house that had something to do with uncle cau? +and one of the people who was with us at the pool knew my family!! and last time we were there one of the people complimented me!! a lot of first timers and a lot of old ppl strangely +nice though... +but when i came home i really didn't do much.... +i downloaded some rain world mods i didn't play, i rambled a bit to myself about my mental health, i watched rtgame play the stanley parable and hollow knight, chipped away at my smb2 sprite sheet and i'm gonna help millie with a rouge drawing tomorrow + +i'm so tired. i don't have much time left either. + + + + +july 28 +today was...just okay +i remembered super paper mario and just how weird that game was, i talked with genome about a ton of silly stuff +i worked a bit more on the oc i was making for them!! they said they wanted something punk or chill and i think we're getting there +i helped nami with the rouge drawing, she said she relapsed over it :( +at that i've been getting close to, but this time it feels like it's going to be different +every time i still keep myself grounded with uh. undertale hopes and dreams chorus!! + +i even went all out and did like, 18 duolingo lessons!! and i kept doing fatsecret!! +...but i still feel empty, somewhere. i wanted to talk to ana, but i couldn't today. i really hope i can tomorrow + +i saw some tumblr artists who did deltarune stuff as deltarune memes 13 is out!! it was really really comfy +i downlaoded some rain world mods...that i ended up not playing today + + + +july 29 +I'M GONNA LIVE +sorry!! just really had to get that out of me +today was still slow but it was Better +i woke up at 11, i played some rain world +it was really cold, and it even rained for like 30 seconds in the day!! +i ate some food that i didn't reeeeally like.... ( mown chicken with pasta + peas, corn. eventually added 1 fried beef ) +i talked to ana, about: there's a lot of topics that i've been wanting to talk about that i just end up going in circles when i try to examine closer +we came to the conclusion: i really couldn't even if i had all the time in the world, because these things need experience with...other people, and i don't really choose when i get that +thankfully, i'm gonna start doing it again...in 2.5 days!! +i worked a little more on a drawing i started yesterday, distinctly not the one for genome. one of drawn me taking a selfie in one of the rain worlds! + +but, everything good seems to come with it's bads... +feeling yet more alienated, everyone on fedi seems to still be doing really fucking awful +i really really wish i could help +actually surprises me that i've not had a breakdown over it... + +did like, 5 levels of that pinball minigame in one of the mobile games mom plays... +i think today wasn't that productive, but it was still good! + + + + +july 30 +GOD DAMN IT!! +um. oops!! i didn't do anything all day!! +i woke up and tried to download music...to no avail +watched a video about adhd and felt determined to push myself out of bed to...get water +i played a little rain world and achieved nothing +i tried to draw something +i made a few rain world memes! + +i visited uncle and didn't do anything there (bed is comfy with the heavy blanket though) +watched sonic forces reimagined, the video +i came home and kept watching youtube +i feel very tired! + + + + +july 31 +last day before school starts.... +stressful +i didn't really do much tbh +i tried to lighten up my mood - turning light mode on in a lot of apps i use +but like, around 21:00 i just felt like absolute trash. i felt like i'd lost all my momentum +i'm so tired of doing something wrong, realizing next week, blaming myself, not learning anything + + + +august 1 +today wasn't good +i woke up kind of confident. that was a mistake. +i went to school, i felt really tired the entire time. i think i had a realization, i wanted to talk to ana about it +it was a normal day, i just...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee +i don't like myself, i fucked everything up for the 6 years i was conscious and now i have to live with the consequences and somehow convince myself that i'm still a good person who can do good things +i still haven't synced my pixels. + +i ate too much and had difficulty in hydrogymnastics. i made no progress helping millie with cryptoshit. +i recommended some ppl for her to follow on fedi though, my inner friend group +hope she likes htem... +i hate that already this is uncomfortable. i miss the feeling of coming to my own home and not feeling out of place in my own skin (having homework) + + +i don't know school days just feel so much less...comfortable +i don't get to space productive activities out as much as i like to +..oh + +i did talk to ana about the thing by the way!! it didn't go well, i just ket trashing myself +but. maybe it'll be better tomorrow? i don't know and i'd really rather figure this out sooner than later diff --git a/miscellaneous/diary bites 6.txt b/miscellaneous/diary bites 6.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..981320a --- /dev/null +++ b/miscellaneous/diary bites 6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,509 @@ +august 2 +stressful +-overconfident, cried a lot in school +-talked to mom about how bad I felt abt my porn addiction even after getting out of it. we talked a lot, and i feel bad for not remembering everything +what i got from it is that it's not over until you can forgive yourself, but don't do a behaviourism to try to figure out why you can't - the brain assigns meaning to things far more arbitrarily and less logically than i think +-did a lot of Duolingo classes! +-mom tried to teach me to do a ribbon for my shoes, becuase i felt bad i missed p.e. class for not being able to put them on. it went really badly but we plan to try again tomorrow +i ate integral rice for i think the first time, with chicken wings! + +august 3 +-better! went to school and was just literally OK. classes were light but that was OK! +-had some ideas, drew some memes +-Regis sang today! recorded and will turn it into an album someday +-drew some stuff felt not that mushy (god akira kills changed, 3 color skylines) +did not try to learn how to tie shoelaces again :( +suzana was so tired... +tried Really hard to help Amelia, I hope i can do some good!! (from what i can tell, no that did absolutely fucking nothing tangible) + +august 4 +saw cats from our neighbourhood fighting after breakfast :( and a huge crow next to the mini-roundabout? in the route i take to school +classes were really not that stressful, thankfully :D I got a bit overwhelmed in math but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as tuesday +getting home i was comfy in bed but still painfully sleepy... I did a few memes but not any of the ideas I had for drawings! +i saw porn adjacent furry art at night :( +feel like I'm gonna need support from ana for this, + +aug. 5th +hey! hello! today is friday and that stresses me out a bit +i haven't gotten fully through all my shit, which would be fine if i didn't have to, from monday (8) on juggle hydrogymnastics, processing my problems, being stable at school and studying +ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh +worst part, i kind of allowed myself to stagnate when ana talked to me about how she was gonna find a psychiatrist to do an examination on me to see if i have learning impairments +i was totally not in the wrong headspace to think about it either!! +and no, i'm not fine letting this go! i'm fucking pissed and there's not much i can do to alleviate that now that it's already the end of the day (6) + +ugh, what did i actually do today even? +i went to school, where classes were mostly chill. we had physics, biology?, 2x english and math. ended at 11:30 because suzana's changing the time we do exams to fri 11:30 instead of thu 07:00. i'm kind of worried i'd forget fucking everything but maybe this'll help actually??????? i don't know +getting home...i didn't do much... +i remember working on that pixels graphic design idea!! and mom going out for an experimental workout session with someone hwo does swimming and stuff +i watched phisnom complete the stanley parable, i started playing brain age concentration training!! surprisingly easy to set up. just needed virtualbox though for a bat to decrypt the .cia files so citra could use them + + +aug. 6th +hello. today was worse :( +i woke up at like, 11. apparently eduardo came while i wasn't awake. i woke up at 6 to take a piss and i wish i put an alarm for 8 am or something, i'm never happy when i sleep this long +the rest of the day...ugh the rest of the day +i just kind of gourged myself on rain world content slowly chipping away at a graphic design project jill recommended me to do which i'm sad to say took way more out of me than it should!! i think i've officially had it up to here with rain world and won't be engaging a lot more with it + +i felt EXTREMELY stressed during the evening, i efel like i don't even do stuff because i want to but because if i don't it'll make me even more stressed out and that's kind of ridiculous. i do not want to let myself keep going this way, even if just for like... a week where i really badly have to keep my grades up because i wouldn't let myself violate my ideology of never stagnating unless it meant someone else fucking dying + +speaking of which??? amelia is still depressed as shit and i'm increasingly desperate to help :( + +i think after writing this i'm gonna. go. do some duolingo and brain age + +E: i fucking sucked at brain age +mom told me to not take it too hard, that this kinda stuff doesn't measure anyone's inteligence +it's fine if i take a while to do addition/subtraction, i'm barely 14 +i appreciate it a lot.... +i listened to some pbs videos, put on rain sounds and went to sleep + felt a lot better + + + + +aug 7 + +hey....today still sucked +i worked a ton on stuff for jill's slugcat_tweets account! a windows phone home menu and twitter timeline +and it even added me to the team to let me post stuff on the acc (specifically said it really likes to see what i'd come up with,,,,,) +i worked on that pixels desktop app mockup too! felt really nice to dust off the edges, make it nice and consistent + +but i continue to feel...kind of bad, idunno +like i didn't really do all that much today + +oh........ more things happened i'm sure of it +i just don't rememner and that makes me feel really sad :( + + +aug 8 +today was baaaaaaaaaaad +hhhhhhhhh +i went to school, being a little unsure. but i got barely 3 classes in before i just started to feel really REALLY sick +i at least counteracted it by studying a lot as soon as i came home!! i asked suely about the stuff i missed after trying to do the textbook activities too,, +i made a tooooooooooon of rain world memes, like 10 total +i checked out stuff in millie's server too, clover? (previously winter_weeg) was posting abt some really weird barney creepypasta stuff! and they showed off their own take on it!! i don't think i could see the appeal but like. this seems really erally cool!! +but i still feel bad. empty, tired +i stayed in bed but i kept feeling kind of bad +even after eating pizza i eventually napped, before i full on slept + + + +aug 9 +today, i feel like....i'm gonna be ok +the same thing happened at school, i came in but felt so disoriented i needed to go home +but i think i found out what it was after talking to mom a bit in the car +labyrinthitis, the thing where the part of your ear that senses velocity is inflamed and fucked up +you know, the thing mom and grandma take meds for?? yeah wild!! +apparently not that weird for kids to have it though! allegedly hard in fact to see someone WITHOUT it in some form + +i came home and was...really really cold! it's been raining since yesterday (yayyy!!!!) but that means there's not as much sun and....yknow +i got under the blankets but mom told me to take a bath, i hesitated a bit but went for it and it made me feel a lot better! + +i lounged around, watching rain world videos until....i decided i was sick and tired of being useless! and studied a bit! i did chemistry, biology and portuguese today! yesterday i did just math and geography, + + +also finally putting this stuff in obsidian again! feels really nice + + + +but then, i started feeling really really really bad +i felt like i was gonna pass out and die +i told mom , and we planned to go to the hospital but ended up going to see a guy called Dr. Limone!! he was really fucking good, i had a bit of frustration specifying that...no, i really don't think i can disengage that much from my computer!!!! but he was really helpful, he tried to cheer me on and[1] + + + +[1] +oh that reminds me, i had some weird dream where i was in like a dark crimson/brown city with poisonous plants and i was with family? violet meadow friends? a new friend group? chasing after a cyan rain world lizard behaving like...a real lizard when i just ran into like...people. a person. i can't remmber what we did, but they had like...Adult Vibes + + + + +august 10 +mm. i don't remember what happened today very well. +so...main event was that, i studied! pretty hard! it felt pretty nice to get everything done with. even though i rushed a little, i still think i understood most stuff well +i nerded out abt desktop effects in violet meadow, i drew something for a game idea amelia's having! (an evolution survival game inspired by rain world!) +i checked out some fonts on google fonts...i don't remember why! +i watched some chubbyemu videos, i rediscoverred Dismiss Yourself!! a music label that....feels too mature for me!! like genuinely the people there have Show Us What You're Made Of vibes +i got into a smidge of fedi drama and felt a bit bad (thatonecalculator sucks), i checked out cohost again!! (centralized but cute with really good vibes social media, i wanna join but 16+) + + +OH my god yeah there was a new splatoon 3 direct!!! +it was so good. i'm so excited for this game!! sadly some scenes looked really really unfinished, and the fucking locker room!! is really sad!! we could've gotten apartments!! but the world finally feels more lived in! + + +oh yeahhhhhh and mom was sorting out old books at the time, searching for the deed to her car +she showed me old books from her time at college, she showed me my old books +lovely stuff +(the world is big and i really wish i turned less of a blind eye to it!! sad i just could not stop thinking about other stuff while i was there) + + +august 11 +still don't remember... :( +i went to sleep at a reasonable time yesterday, because i was feeling better +it sucked still. i couldn't handle math class and ended up going back home for a little while, and agreeing with mom to stay home tomorrow too + +the feeling of getting home, not exactly done with my business but with some work already done....it was strange, if only because it was 2 hours until the exam, it was the first time in a while i felt... i don't know what it was, but i'm yearning for it now + +i went back to actually do the exam at 11:30 after looking at a few of my notes. +it went well!! there were a few questions i didn't know, but...i guess i can chalk them up to being a bit lazy on monday because i wans't sure yet if i was gonnna do the exam on friday or thursday + +getting home i checked out some windows logos at logopedia, talked a lot in millie's server and made like 4 memes just for the place + +i finally posted to annie and ppl on violet meadow that !!!! one of the characters in splatoon is just like them (annie) +and it looks like i capped off the night watching vargskelethor joel highlights for hypnospace, before making a rain world meme + + + + +august 12 + +hi. today sucked. actively so. +i hate comfort and giving myself the permission to rest +because like downtime such as the one i had today, i don't feel like i'm resting. i feel like i'm just trying to get the most stimulation out of the time i have +which i GUESS isn't necessarily bad??? but like...i wish i was as active as i was yesterday. what can i do to keep my brain active in the morning so i don't end up rotting away from 14:00 to midnight if not school? + +especially because, i feel like it'd give me more energy to be at school and do stuff + +oh! yeah i found some morecool music stuff when i was looking at dismiss yourself!! i have it pinned to firefox because i wanna get to my next downloading spree in the next 7 days instead of 7...years + + + + +i woke up and was hungry for a while, because mom was out for....actually most of the day! she went out like 3 separate times +first thing i did was like...3 rain world memes in a row. it was fun! i got some advice (include context _in_ the image if it's just like, a photograph) which i appreciated +i tried to debug some virtual machine stuff for millie but it just is not working out. like the minimum ram in my experience to make windows 7 run well is way more than what she can do :( + +i took a bath at some point!! (17:00) watched stray while i was in the shower + +i really just kind of...dozed off from 13:00 to 18:00 +why does my brain do that +i hate me + +while i was eating dinner (supermarket hot dogs!!), mom and grandma came in!! (mom for the 2nd time) +and i finally found out what suace they use. citing them as sources it's kethcup-mustard-mayo mix and tomato sauce +but they did have to go do some stuff outside and only uncle would stay there +so they took me to uncle's!! with...a 2/3rds finished meal!! +i still ate it up and put the plate on the sink but i just find it really funny that grandma just took it raw since our houses are right next to eachother + +then...i came home at nearly 19:30... and now i'm here at ~23:00 +that sucked. +i did like, 2 things: listen to more rain world music and do a design prototype very slowly +i hate me. why does this always happen? + +i often find myself sleeping really late, and i'm guessing this is the cause +i do revenge bedtime procrastination because i feel like as soon as i go to sleep i'll be extremely useless the next day +sooooooooooooooooooooooo +i have a new topic to talk to ana about! + +OH MY GOD I DIDN'T EVEN CHECK WHATSAPP TODAY +FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK + +also i haven't even Touched duolingo or fatsecret in several days and that upsets me :( +i just kind of dropped off and never picked up the hobbies again and it scares me +i don't want to be any more useless than this :((((( + + + +august 13 +today was just...slow +i looked at sonic mods, i tried to work on a new graphic design project (sanctuaryos but windows 11 graphics!!) +mill's server had a ton of drama tonight :[ i decided to redownload the fucking. message logger in advance +remember eating some good food today though, + + + +august 14 +heyyy :( +what better day to have a full relapse than sunday +of course i do. of coooooooooouuuuuurse i do +i ended up doing an...awful, awful, awful lot of art for mainmemory +it took up most my day +i got quiet and dehydrated, sweaty and hungry + +something about indulging mm and opening up about. my weirdest fantasies +i...really wish i didn't want that +this is gonna be a long one, i feel like there's something i don't get anywhere else there +i don't want to admit it, but i don't think that's good + + +august 15 +jesus, it took me that long? +it's august 22 now +i guess....god, i don't remember what happened today :( +i think i actually stayed the full length of class! but +through my head only fear passes +i haven't thought about fucking anything but porn and the relatively easy stuff at school these days + +august 16 +hey...! +i remember today, i went to the supermarket with mom and grnadma after i went to school, i took some pictures and shared with my friends! +i think i actually stayed the full length of class! and...it was the same +paying attention at classes, getting praise for making it, +secretly i'm dying inside +i hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE to draw the comparison: i guess my smile's closer to being printed on now than ever +because guess who's still making nsfw art +a relapse. porn. i gathered the courage to talk to mainmemory and fantasized over many fetishes + + +august 17 +today...was relatively uneventful. i studied more! i think i'm feeling confident about doing the exam tomorrow +also found out around this time that we gotta buy the book for the book exam :/ +another relapse. more sonic porn + +august 18 +today... wednesday. +the same thing happened as last week +i...felt too physically bad to stay at school for the whole day. i took a peek at my notes, and i felt confident, and then fucking...i got there and there were 3 different subjects i didn't remember anything about +another relapse. more porn +i'm scared. i don't wanna die + +august 19 +i ended up staying home today, like mom offered to me yesterday +i woke up +i almost avoided relapsing +i watched a zombie movie with my friends, shaun of the dead +i drew myself angry + +i talked to ana. i got so so so so so frustrated +i was so close to a revelation and then the thoughts just...fizzled away +like water slipping out of my hands +another relapse. more porn +i'm terrified +i don't wanna die +can see the signs +want off this ride + + +august 20 +early in the morning i for the first time in what feels like forever, i felt like i'd escaped +i climaxed after being stuck in parasite infection [game] hell for a while +i took a bath, i played some nice music for me +but... i had another relapse. i watched more porn. +help. +the main thing i remember from today... +is, playing jackbox with amelia and the ppl at violet meadow +it was fun, but, i couldn't enjoy it very much +a few sex jokes came in and +amelia talked to me +i asked if i could vent for a bit +i went on a big desperate ramble that took a lot out of me +in it's entirety... +oh, no, i don't think i should put that in the file i'm writing all of these in. it won't fit. +but my pain didn't end +another relapse. more porn +i feel acutely like i could make it if i just...didn't want to keep coming back +if i just exhausted all of the fantasies i can make into pixel art +but no, i'd find more. +i wouldn't make progress in my skills with art +i think...i have some ideas but i don't think i'm in the right mood to do them yet + + + +august 21 +screaming wav +hi! today i didn't fucking do anything BUT porn art +i feel terrible +eduardo came home yesterday and he did it again today, i had to sleep in my room and i woke up the next day really tired +i'm...making a vow +if i still love anything, i'm going to be proving it +i refues to relapse again, even if it's for just one day + + + +august 22 +and...i got what i wanted! +today i managed to avoid porn like i wanted! i had to fight like hell for it but it felt...really liberating +and a bit scary, i completely forgot what it was like to have free time and not use it on porn +i ended up staying home today, much to my dismay (i wanted to read the book with Régis! i wanted to catch a recap with suely on the exam's stuff esp since i lost her classes on friday, but i can sacrifice that i guess for the sake of my overall stability) +i didnt have the energy to study that much - only did 1 of 7 +but...i think it was worth it + + +august 23 +i went to school, and it was mostly fine. i got through classes in a flash, but i did feel really tired and i really felt the lack of portuguese / math +but that's like nothing compared to what came later! +i had to go to swimming class, and although i was excited, i got really Really REALLY overwhelmed when i had to go under the surface +i. i almost tried to fucking drown myself +but when that got even more overwhelming than talking to the teacher, i let slip that. i really really don't have normal child problems +i ended up in a corner crying by the end of class, which i actually wish was longer!! +i. i'm writing this on the 25th and i really wish i didn't forget that much what it felt like to be this powerless +this. afraid that i'm never going to be okay again + +i talked about it to mill when i got home, we gave eachother kind-of-therapy i guess! but it was genuinely nice + + +august 24 +i studied for the exam, i was less nervous today, i'm still scared i think tomorrow's when i need to do the exam and i don't feel like i've studied enough. it was pretty surreal to have this much free time today though (i only had history to study because i actually still remembered most of the other subjects' content) + + + +august 25th +i did the exam today! and, it went well but i fear in part that was because i got to look at my notes SEVERAL times before the exam +i wish i realized earlier that when i'm confident, i stop paying attention and prime myself for a rough next week. i get painfully self absorbed and it never goes well. ever. but when i'm thrashing myself for incompetence i get really cynical and the whiplash is starting to get so ridiculous even i notice it +i really wish i was better at understanding when i'm doing OKAY at something and not really well or really badly +swimming went really well and mom did the monthly purchases. i REALLY Need to fluidity spin cycle this to my pixels before the end of the month! + +i stayed up too late. i hope it doesn't hurt that much that i'm writing this at almost 10 pm instead of like, 8 so i can actually sleep at 9:30 pm + +TBD: elaborate tomorrow! + + + +august 26th +gee, friday already? +yeah, today was okay. i didn't sleep very well though! i remember being sleepy the entire day [and my head and tummy hurt] +i had....english 2x, physics, math 2x and writing +the writing assignment, oh yeah. i wasn't there last week so i didn't do it on tiem but the teacher let me write one right now! the theme was “narrative chronicle” (chronicles are very popular down here! they're light hearted stories of stuff that happens in every day life) +i...don't remember anything happening after morning though +looking at my firefox history... +i made some graphic designy stuff for amelia! a login screen mockup of an os for her, based on windows longhorn plex +i watched sonic destruction by snapcube, an ai generated script that's just.f ucking insane +oh, yeah! i went back to maiacord! we did jackbox tonight while i was at uncle's house! it kind of sucked... +i forget how hot it is in uncle's house and i don't think i exactly vibe with ppl in maiacord >_< + + +august 27th +saturday... +i was really sleepy...the entire time +i think my brain wants me to give porn more than 1 second of thought so i have no more excuse to not investigate it but i'm too fucking tired in general! +i did...pretty much nothing today, besides [painstakingly] updating linux mint (!!) +the new version has new bugs >:( but i'm sure they're either exclusive to me or going to be fixed up soon +hey, at least the title bar finally syncs with the rest of the gtk theme! that's really really pleasant imo +the mint upgrade tool is actually really really weird +i guess i can see the reasoning the team had for some of the changes they wanted me to make but like + +removing unofficial packages like aseprite? god no +removing my x-server? what????????????? + + +august 28th +god i hate sunday i always feel so tired +uh!! i relapsed today! linux mint 21 is different but comfy! i finished sonic 3 air with sonic and tails! i made a scary sonic xtreme poster! +i don't remember what else... :( + + +august 29th +okay. i. went to school today, yes. +what happened at school. math went well actually, but like distressignly so. just because it was stuff i already knew. it sucks. i left earlier today bc the last class landed on entrepeneurship and not math +but! i studied when i got home! i did 2 subjects today, i think! +i was worried i wouldn't have enough time to sudy, talk to ana and read the book +we found out the book exam was due on the 16th next month, so i'm starting on the 1st (ie 2 days) + +i talked to ana and...okay... i'm going to try to worry less about porn + +somehow i had time to make 3.5 drawings! one of unfortunate development rain world, another of gourmand rain world and another another one of me sleeping (plus a variant) +(checked out a lot of the caretaker fan stuff, and took a while to calm myself down enough to sleep) + +aug 30 +i didn't go to school today. it was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too cold. +i looked at a lot of porn. i'm not going to try to worry less about porn. i'm not happy +i still studied but i felt like way less of i absorbed a lot of it i just kind of let sit there in the obsidian markdown file +(i'm gonna go to a nutritionist also tomorrow! mom says she's cool) + + +aug 31 +HEY +holy shit +i haven't updated my pixels all month +...i don't have time to give scores to each one. i hate keeping so much stuff in the washing machine and making my entries ever shorter because "oh my phone will probably crash if i make it too big" +it's probably too big already this is line 408 on my laptop! + +but okay what actually happened today! +oh my GOd i've been SO nervous today +i feel like a rat stuffed in a spacesuit but it's not aligned with what direction is up for my body and the neutral position has several of my limbs folded + + +i'm so tired +i'm so sick of being sick of myself +every single thing i've done i've created an (i watched a video about procrastination libraries are where you get self-conscious that other people are doing work and that pushes you to work more) anti-library where i just get to not think about stuff +and then i get mushy because i should be thinking about it but i should probably be able to process more than 1 fucking thing at a time (school / endless internal mental bleeding) +and then... i revisit a few ideas i have thought about 20 times and never explored further. and then i don't explore them more +and then i talk to ana about a little bit of it and the conclusion we come to goes badly. specifically because it's exhausting and inconvenient for both of us to keep talking all of the week + +i feel like by not doing daily journaling anymore i've been discouraging myself from actually keeping in mind what i was thinking about on a given day +if i regurgitate my previous edgy ramble i'm at risk of forgetting the other one or agreeing with my previous conclusion + +so then i put things off and put things off and put things off and eventually i forget HOW to do them. and i'm slowly turning into a worse-than-useless corncob everyone including me has expectations for + +and i start to agree with the idea that i should just fucking kill myself +and that's how i get here just fantasizing about killing an alter ego i made to talk to mainmemory about porn and then killing myself +i'd really like to be impaled by 10 spears right now + +UGH + + + + + +i think it'd be cool if pixels let me have more than one document per day +...so, i went to school...it was okay. i spiled mustard on my shirt. that got to me way more than it should +the classes themselves were alright. but i was out for most of the 2x geography classes self loathing + +but the rest of the day was actually really ok! +i ate noodles and fish. it was okay. i got way too full. +i watched some trashy youtube videos. my youtube feed feels like it's just tailoring for things i do not enjoy +i went to the ffjjhhhjjfgjf NUTRITIONIST!! she is so cool she shares a room with an architect she has an ipad with an accessory keyboard I WANT ONE OF THOSE she was so nice to me she gave me a dietbox account (i couldn't make one because i didn't have a nutritionist yet! i do now! it's so cool! the app layout is so annoying!) + +and then i was mushy all day watching videos and doing studying but i think evne less information sticked with me + +BUT THEN +i decided to be productive +it's. 20:37. i am writing and it feels so good. +i am writing and it feels so bad. i wish i was this productive all day! what the hell! why can't i like actually legitimately care about things? +what is wrong with me? +maybe i should just disappear?? +i...reeally really wish i was this productive all day + +i watched a ton of videos from answer in progress and i found out they made a journal at some point and like what the fuck i wish i had one of the curiosity journals they made (genuinely considering getting the digital version) +because. what. just looking at it makes me want to make video essays all night so badly. i want to look through scientific journals under a vague time pressure and integrate them as sources without straying from the original question. i want to look at myself and go "no i'm twisting my speech to make my own predefined point i remembered when the teacher originally brought htis up" throw EVERYTHING away delay it by 2 weeks to give myself time to reach another conclusion and FINISH IT + +no there's BETTER THINGS THAN THAT +I WANT TO DO THEM +I CAN'T +I HATE THIS +BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH + +e: i got up to brush my teeth. i came back exhausted. +maybe it's only for a day +maybe the fog is on its way +maybe the sky is yet to fall +under the sea i'd like to be + +etc: i don't do productivity, mom takes me places and things happen there. i'm not involved. i hate it. + + + + +sep. 1 +oh no, it's september? +well...i don't remember doing anything today :( +i did the exam, and it went well but the rest of my day was dedicated to... +another relapse. more porn + + + +sep. 2 +friday.....friday. morning was slow and steady. noon and night were unbearably fast. +another relapse. more porn +eduardo came here, that's all i can make out because i woke up in my bed + + +sep. 3 +i managed to play sonic adventure 2!! a long time goal! but not without sacrifice, i. installed nsfw mods +another relapse. more porn + + +sep 4 +i know it's not the end, but somewhere deep in my heart i feel like there's still hope for me +i had to crunch 40 pages of Senhora and it was really fucking hard! this is a dense but deeply enticing book despite what it might look like (it's a 17th century high-class brazillian romance) +and i did it listening to some drone music, if only because it felt important to me for me to prove a point +i don't know if i can get myself out of addiction again if it happens but i don't have to go to the absolute edge of death to internalize it +hell, if i were to, i think it'd be kind of shameful + + +P.S. +oh! fuck! 9 pm? +i didn't eat dinner and i feel BURNT the fuck out +ugh +i'm gonna try to do one last thing before i sleep - sync these diary entries! +i don't think i've outgrown pixels writing to it is just. hard. i kinda wish it was a crummy online service, if only because i can't think of literally any other way to sync data without wifi or bluetooth but +bleh!! 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