made-in-akira/miscellaneous/diary bites 7.txt

sept 9th
hey! today was....hm

school:
-classes were so easy i felt too mushy to do anything in math class. sucks but i'll try to make up for it by studying with the actual exercises next week
-we had big recess today, i found hand it over by mgmt to be a bangin' song (felt exquisite to play while walking around aimlessly bc the rest of the school was singing the national anthem)
-i didn't get to write for writing class... it got truncated to hell by recess being 1h instead of 20 minutes

home:
-felt confident and like it was 2020 again
-had a relapse right before i talked to ana and i didn't really have many topics
-missed out on sharknado movie night
-planned on making drawings, particularly an akira with one of the splatoon weapons (!!)
-made a drawing of me

it was 30°C! which suckedddddd


sept 10th
today...
i relapsed twice, but i pulled myself out, if only by how much it hurt to keep looking
i made one drawing for astra based on a funny garfield strip
i made a new profile picture for me!!!! but i'm not that happy with it... i think it just takes a little getting used to!
i don't remember if eduardo came here yesterday or today? either way mom fought with him and they felt kinda bad,
it was 33°C!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which suuuuuuuuuckeeeeeedddddd


sept 11th
i tried to help genome with a shitpost they were making by pirating tribal hunter, but it didn't run on proton...
mill's planning on scamming pedos out of their money now though!!! which i think is a lot better than trying to figure out whether (x) furry is morally dubious (i relapsed for a bit because of it...)
i ate noodles with garlic and i hated it!

i decided i'm gonna pirate splatoon 3 to play the single player :3 (edit: the game is out, ye!! it's so fucking cool!! writing on the 16th, i think i'd already seen it by now but bleh!!)
my k key is going numb...




sept 12th
i woke up feeling really really mushy....
it rained today!!!
thank
fucking
god
wasn't a great day tbh
-i tried to emulate splatoon 3!!!!! i ended up giving up on it, my laptop's not powerful enough.... (and i don't have a controller!!)
did feel really nice to even see it run, that was fuckimg cool :D
- i made a high effort drawing of me with the inkbrush!! (one of my ideas from the to-do list for the month,,,,, gosh i still really gotta draw the rest)

but...

-i ended up relapsing today and it really hurt. but enough for me to stop!! one comic, xenomorphosis, about getting repurposed as a breeding machine fucked me up so bad i wanted to abstain just to spite it
-i argued with twinkle mouse, who associates with chjara over whether i should block them bc i was way too quick to empathize and i came out feeling. pathetic
both of these though i think could keep me away from porn for at least a few days
but...
i still feel pretty shit

p.s. omg yeah i listened to the splatoon hero mode ost and it's really fucking good


sept 13th
today sucked kinda
i felt really shit about how my bias affected the way i talked to twinkle sprinkle (relatedly, oh!! yeah!! at some point, i think yesterday yes i drew something for them)
i felt. no i felt fucking hopeless
this great sea of blackness from natmos from godspeed you! black emperor is. if nothing else a big mood
it's probably just placebo but i felt myself fucking dying like i was physically unwell

...but!! i made a drawing for maddie!! (formerly jackie? should i be clarifying that), a drawing of her and osaka from azumanga daioh!!
i'm really happy with it, and i made it while rocking out to splatoon music
i wish i made it full body though! was too drained by the end to keep making stuff, and i hate it when that happens


sept 14th
hey!!!!!!!
today i rember....
still waiting eagerly for splatune 3, checking out zachtronics games again!! (who made tis-100, exapunks!!) i'm so very jealous of them,,,
i wanna make cool computer ui and talented pixel art shit for my friends!! god damn it!!! >_<
but other than that....
i drew something for jill!!! i made jillo with a birthday cake :OOOOO i used lighting effects but i still think it came out pretty well!! i kinda wish i put more characters in but i feel like it'd be cool to send cake in an email,,,,


i went to uncle's hosue too!!!
because...i overdosed on sertraline....and it was a safe amount but i was also hungry so it would be really bad even if nothing happened to leave me there
and grandma made me some nice food!!!
...i don't remember what happened, but i still felt melancholy later in the day...
...ah, yeah, trying to resist porn :(



sept 15th
AND THEN THE WORLD WAS COVERED IN DARKNESS
ugh,
i felt mushy the whole day
i relapsed from 17:48 to 01:50
but... i guess... at least i have a sembleance of lead to talk to ana tomorrow
god, i can't wait for this week to be over.



sept 16th
so...
today was good!
i drew a rain world meme i talked to eaic/easrng about fonts at almost midnight
mom still has the flu but at least we're getting our car back from repairs!! and it was really fucking cheap holy shit just R$ 105
and i checked out sonic studio, and i checked out koboltoon, a gaming channel from some fat queer ppl (they're cool though they have chaotic snapcube vibes!!)


but most importantly
i talked to ana. i made ANY amount of progress.
i figured out one of the biases that impedes me from stopping myself in the middle of doing porn/stopping myself from starting is that, i don't want to acknowledge how much it's hurt me because then i don't have the liscense to fap anymore
a license i give myself because...??
and, there's my next topic to ponder!!

also mom gave me a comically large cotton fabric yellow shirt
like seriously either it fit when i was fatter or it's just too big, i doubt the former because i didn't do any fucking exercise this week (>:(((((() and it still constnatly droops
hehe



sept 17th
NO
GOD
PLEASE
NO
i relapsed twice today
i feel like there's something stuck in my throat
i hate it
i. guess at least i studied for the exam on monday,
i got the hard subjects out of the way yesterday so i did the easy ones today
and i listened to gumi - nightmares by beau jordan!!

sept 18
and i relapsed again today, twice,,,
...gosh, i don't remember doing much today! (writing on the 21st,) but tbh i didn't even go outside so. ya

sept 19
exam 6 actually went well though!! i knew the answers to everything i just took a little while to get to them
but outiguetguethheheuiegegguiuhuiu
i got the flu,,,,, it sucksssssssssssssssss
my nose is all runny and shit and i felt really claustrophobic 
i also studied for the philosophy exam, which took a fucking while
but in the middle i got to shout to uncle saying hi and bye! and i did it to some bangin' tunes from splatoon,
and i found out about this deltarune charity sweepstakes event themed around spamton!! that has tons of secret pages to it!! and i didn't masturbate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



sept 20
daytime was mostly nice, i remember specifically doing the philosophy exam and. feeling weird
like bráulio likes me and it doesn't seem like he puts his own shit in the exams, even being all for bolsoanro
he even let us do check stuff on our phones, notebooks, schoolbooks??? which like. holy shit thanks?????????? i'd have spent way too long doing this otherwise

but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
when i got home my stomach started to hurt like shit!! i could not go twenty minutes without heading to the bathroom and getting diarrhea,
it couldn't even all come out at once and just be over with half the time was me waiting because i knew there was more that should've come out but it just didn't,
out of obligation i “studied” (copied from the online book reader because the stuff was easy enough to not really need to process it more than that)
and god!! really i wish i didn't!!! i had ideas for stuff to draw and i've just been sitting in bed all day
and i also barely ate,
and i struggled to sleep even after taking a nap


sept 21
i dreamt about a lot of things between yesterday and today
about new levels in splatoon 3, rain world, about it being september 36th, about having a switch

mom was out for most of the day
i think that was the case for a lot of the days this month, she's been shopping a lot and i worry for how much money we spend bc i haven't gone to the market in a while
...i haven't been outside in a while...
......gosh, i'm so glad last week is over, it was such a slog
but i'm not glad that this is what took its place!
at least i've be having stuff to ponder... is what i'd say if my belly didn't hurt so much i could hardly think!!

i ended up just lounging around in the morning because my head and stomach hurt too much to study
(my flu's mostly passed, now it's really just my stomach! which...i'm glad about! and my stomach itself is getting better, i'm. able to fart?? without shitting myself) (ugh this feels awful to write)
but i did eventually get to it
i just didn't fucking find out what i should've studied for history so i just copied what i jotted down for monday's exam


...oh, yeah, the whole studying thing
um
i feel like i hardly absorbed any of the information :(
mom said i'll be staying home and just going to school tomorrow to do the exam, though! so i might have a chance to read it over more...and if i don't, oh well



my plans for tomorrow are...

i feel good enough, i'll do a computer sketch for my art class project of doing a reinterpretation of this painting, the violinist on The Entire a4 sheet!! 




sept 22
it rained today!! a lot!!
didi is really really sick,
chinho is home he keeps disappearing and coming back >_<
ego feels too big
downloaded a lot of music!! might get done with memories 12 soon
aa07 went ok (2 math questions i didn't know 1 geography question i didn't know)
fedi friends are good
wanna work on icons for sanctuaryos!!

sept 23
if...only by luck of being. mentally stimulated enough to do it, i managed to abstain for the entire week!
ive been downloading more music, one of the artists that made a song uncle likes was featured in an album called Gema do Novo so i'm getting that too!

sept 24
uncle came over today!!
i finished the albums for him but not the rest
i found out motherish from curioglyphic is out!! and (in its full version,) paid!? and i checked out the tool they used
i found out about. girthbound, an earthbound hack with new enemy art that is. 100% fat fetish, 0% actively explicit

sept 25
today was kinda boring...
- i studied for my art exam tomorrow! it was really fun
- i got the sanctum theme for obsidian, and it's really really pleasant! the name reminds me of dirty [literal] things but idk where that word association came from
it reminds me in aesthetics of sanctuaryos which. good! because the actual name means holy place :O
i scrutinized the pricing model of gamemaker 2 with genome and i made cover art for a memories-style album with violet meadow music!!

sept 26
oh
today was really bad
i “studied” the stuff that was available and i think i didn't absorb any of the information therein. for some stuff i literally just copied the electronic reader content

and later that night
i relapsed twice, and it really really hurt
i tried to write something really gross! and i would've saved it to spare myself the trouble of rewriting it next time i go fucking insane but
no
no
No
this is so fucking disgusting
it's been 4 years and you're going to let it soon become 5?
stop! Stop! do you realize what will happen if you do that?
don't let there be a next time! this is fucking ridiculous!

sept 27
and then i didn't :(
uhhhghhghhhhhhhg 
i remember today being really hot for some reason
i tried to avoid relapsing, i remember i spent like an hour browsing pokemon on bulbapedia with mom just bc she was sleepy enough to be unproductive but
instead of taking that requierd time away from bad things to convince myself not to i refused to take the L and ruined everything for about an hour

i made a drawing about it, wherein i go to hell before i die


sept 28
mmmmm
today was actually really nice
but i haven't made any progress on. researching my addiction in a long time
i made stuff for jill! (gosh i make stuff for it specifically a lot more than i do for other friends, i wonder why?) it's been talkinga bt the undefined idea of a gooptionary for a while so i interpreted it as like
a manual to life on earth for beings attempting to manifest into the material realm
and so i made the cover art for it! i ended up not finishing it today, but it came out nice!


sept 29
today was...good
i feel almost alive again
for the first time in a while
at least, for how much pain i felt

i did the exam. i went really really badly at math and grammar.
i bullied myself for it. i threw a chair at myself and fell in front of school, mom tried to comfort me
i think... my problem is that i have poor object permanence as a result of my attention span but i actively refuse to help it by just. not being reasonable when i know consciously something will have consequences
surely knowing i can't blame it on some unknown machination of my mind would be out of the question after i realize that's a thing but i guess not :(

got this reflection partially from a post by phii but i think i'd have reached it especially with how stressed i got in the morning

the rest of the day was just. nothing
i tried to concentrate to make a drawing and i got nowhere
which sucks!

but on the bright side! i successfully avoided masturbating the ENTIRE day
i only checked my other account ( :( ) earlier this very hour to find out which day i relapsed most recently on


i. didn't think a lot about me the rest of today though, no
it went by in a flash
and that sucks

i'd say i think i've earned myself a break to justify it, but only because...i don't know how to process this otherwise

oh, yeah, my throat's been. perpetually kind of swollen the entire week
...i should look into that
(...i should also look into why i let myself stop thinking about things after 30 seconds, why i actively contribute to my poor object permanence, why i'm so weirdly prejudiced about tics and fidgets i associate with maia and annie doing because of truama, among other things :( )


sept 30
sucked, brain noisy
drew about it
linux mint update tracker is fucked!
drew something for agatha as well,
didnt talk to ana though :(
feel like i don't know enough
the fridge screamed?
we watched alien this week! i wasn't present...
...was busy relapsing, i think >_<


oct 1
ugh, october already?
...ugh, saturday already????
new sonic boll though!
spent all day playing and maing a level
helped mill out with using watch-party, which itself might get some new stuff :oooooo


oct 2
saturday...
today was spent stressing over the elections. lula won by a slim margin but slim enough to where they felt the need to do another round of voting in 20 days :(
staying home because...mom says ppl could KILL me if they knew we vote for pt!
...i already told all my classmates on accident, i hope nothing bad happens...
tried to help mill install linux mint today also, didn't go well bc we had to partition for windows and it was very confusing



oct 3
today was okay i think...i don't remember relapsing
and, even though i stayed home, i studied what was available
i tried to take it slow too, and not get through everything so fast none of it phases me
...i was okay, also, though...not by a big margin
i almost forgot. yeah, i took a bath today and washed my hair. pleasant! i've missed that feeling


oct 4
today was kind of. good.
i was outside of class an awful lot, didn't get enough sleep yesterday and had i tried to compensate standing in the lab. but it didn't go in my favor, i ended up having...a bit of a breakdown wishing i could just fucking kill myself
more wisdom for when i do talk to ana, though! planning on doing it on thursday because that's the earliest i can! and to live a life without regrets,
my hair was full of dandruff also, which sucked. i tried itching it away but there's gotta be like. 5g of this shit on there god damn it (which is a lot when 1 flake doesn't even constitute 1µg!)
i wanna take another bath tomorrow but...Studying
(oh, unrelatedly! yikes! cohost is              run by ppl who are neutral on loli porn
...good timing i guess since i fucking. looked at specifically cub/loli porn for hours yesterday
horrible disgusting awful ugh)

oct 5
today was slightly worse
i didn't put as much effort but i slept worse. i had a ton of time off during class bc the gincaligado/sports tournament thingy was taking so much time getting announced
extremely glad i didn't skip régis classes just bc i thoughtt hey were gonna get run over entirely. no, just most of them got. it was enough time for her to deliver a summary, which...i think i've got!

in general i think i studied...better this week
i distinctly remember having to fight for my lucidity in the afternoon and actually kind of...succeeding when i shook things up and genuinely tried
(when i was horny earlier my brain put up more of a fight, i hope i haven't gotten to. fucking. permanent brain damage yet because it's statistically improbable but i don't doubt i could find a way i'm fucked up and a horrible person)

(i relapsed today for a longer amount of time than yesterday which. sucks. my head hurts. i feel tired.)
(i remember mom going out to the pharmacy around the same time)
(i need a calculator for the exam tomorrow, so i asked mom! ...at like 9 pm!

(splatoon 1/2 hero mode music is a lot more sploingo-y than i remember. source: i was listening to it today
i almost wonder if i don't remember like, covers of these? or if they really just stuck in my mind that low quality-y the first time i heard them and was just really desperate for a melody that sounded pleasant)
(surprises me that i forgot something audio related usually it happens more with visual info and...text. knowledge. proper things knowledge.)

(i made a drawing for maddie yesterday! (previously jackie did i talk about this oh no) that came to me like a vision. i pestered the splatoon fonts deciphering person, ardnin for the alterna font! and got it! hell yeah more fonts)




oct 6
good food today,,,, it's been a long time since i got noodles with beef, tomato sauce but no onion/garlic
relapsed though, for most of the day at that
at least did something fun today - went to uncle's house, ate spicy ramen
narizinho likes me a lot!


oct 7
sad and lonely, desperate
entirely relapsing with long term glimpses of my loved ones
missed out on movie night, not done with typing for ana

oct 8
...less bad...
maybe i'll be okay
still sucked though
relapsed twice

oct 9
deathly
lost the ability to kms, just feel lust and hollowness when i try to
i worked on sprites earlier in the day to try to get my mind off it
i just can't understand
why do i like the things i do
why can't i see they'll hurt me so
felt allergic, mushy and felt a foul scent of vomit all day even though nothing of the sort happened
it did not rain



oct 10
today...at the end of yesterday i had relapsed really badly
i asked mom to stayed home, and i used this time to i write a lot to ana
and to do some of the math exercises that i missed (i showed them to suely and they were almost all right!)
but i stil relapsed after writing those notes,
god, i'm so sick of myself
i think i didn't go to uncle's house today, no

oct 11
no contest! went back at 7:36
today...
i finished making that sonic boll level! and i think i worked a bit more on sprites...

oct 12
checked out omegamart
holly is partially colorblind?
thinking about sonic generations
i hope one day we can share memories, you paint the world and i'll play my melodies
squid melody reminds me of mill
i hope i never hurt her again

oct 13
way too peaceful. don't remember doing anything worthwhile
mouse is haunted

oct 14
i...tried...to make an icon, i didn't get very far
i talked to ana, i didn't get much of anywhere

oct 15
we agreed to talk yesterday. i forgot. but not  a single thought 


oct 16
-relapsed
-can't think. 

-worked with mill. researched onion services. we're working




oct 17
jesus fuckk.........
writing this on oct 24
today was alright
i had a really funny conversation with annie
i studied what i could and don't think i relapsed
found out about the milwaukee protocol, a real life thing for rabies treatment and i'm infactuated! this is fucking cool

oct 18
finding out she has a discord server (!! :O) i made a graphic design meme for vanta
and i studied more! it was pretty good! obsidian 1.0 is out (!!!!!!!!) which has a completely revamped and so nice ui!

oct 19
i saw merg made a video on will you snail and saw there's a character in it called amelia !
and i think i had a really fucking bad relapse because
i made a painting, hollow / hope
all pleasantries must conclude
right now
at least i studied

oct 20
thinking about making something about mandarin labs
but...no....no.........
i'm struggling to keep it together
and i relapsed without a lot of resistance
and i'm
getting really suicidal

...god, this sounds so ingenuine coming from 4 days later me
especially because


oct 21
i tried to make something in turbowarp, that scratch mod (:OOO)
i talked to my friends a lot

...

i had a therapy session where i went off the rails and back
i relapsed for the rest of the day
mom is having life-threatening stomach complications
i had to go to grandma's house for this reason
and yet i insisted
...what is happening?


oct 22
i had...mostly clarity today
i worked a bunch on plex! the turbowarp thing! i even wrote lore for it
i only relapsed for an hour!
i fely pretty lucid and i even got in an infodumping mood with trash cat, someone called pm who really likes splatoon from the milwaukee protocol and astra
for trash cat in particular, it was bc i brought up to mill maybe we shouldn't talk about all that on discord and found out session kind of sucks if not is at least a little sketchy



oct 23
and then
i relapsed for like 5 hours on end
i think...i need someone to talk t
No
Leave
Now



oct 24
and today
i am in the wrong fucking state of mind
i
slung so fast
from, in the beginning of the day, planning to outright kill myself
to, for the next....ugh, 11 hours? just. being violently addicted
and i had plenty of opportunities
several updates from mom
grandma called me to see a cool cicada in the back yard
i asked ana to tell mom about what i've been going through when she can
is this self sabotage or just. not caring enough    





oct 25
today was...alright
i think i stayed home but
i didn't relapse
i checked out some old scratch projects and i made an emote for agatha, i studied for the exam
yeah


oct 26
today...wasn't as nice
chuggaconroy's been doing a paper mario let's play now, the episodes are really short but they're good
i relapsed for a few minutes but i abstained for the rest of the day



oct 27
...oh...
right, today
i did the exam and it went...really really badly
i studied the wrong thing for history, i couldn't do physics, i flopped on chemistry
i think i also struggled a lot with math
and
the entire time i was just thinking
i can never change
i should really just...go out the window and die before i do something else horrible


oct 28
mom's finally gone to get the actual surgery today
i feel...really gross and out of touch
i stayed in grandma's house and slept there
i abstained the whole day, i checked out that pvz mod i remember playing years ago, pvz pak
but augh



oct 29
today was nice, i guess
we...visited mom today
idk if i've talked about it here but...the exact thing she's been having is, a benign uterus tumor
which means...yeah, she won't be able to have another son, which i bring up because she's been wanting to with eduardo

going to her, i was anxious the entire car ride but it was actually a lot faster than i remember
seeing mom in so much pain and also getting hurt on some random furniture made me think a lot about how much even outside of porn i've indulged myself
at least it's mostly comfortable in there
the food is good, they have a tv, the bed is adjustable
thank god for SUS



oct 30
jesus fuck, october's over already?
...huh